Sex Offenders Excited By Pelosi's Promise To Take America In A 'Nude Erection'

Bud Gitford, registered sex offender and candy store owner, expressed unexpected optimism after overhearing new House Majority Speaker Nancy Pelosi's Wednesday morning speech.

Pelosi's promise to take American domestic and foreign policy in a "nude direction" gave solace to the sexual deviant, who had worried that the Republican loss of the House and Senate to Democrats, in the wake of Tuesday's election, would oust the Congressmen he feels best represent his interests.

"I thought that all the elected officials with whom I can empathize -- Mark Foley and Gary Condit, for example -- would be gone with all of their kind," said the relieved Gitford. "Until Ms. Pelosi vocalized her vision for the future of America, I thought that I would find myself unrepresented in any part of the government, but now I know that I have an advocate."

Many sexual criminals became worried over how the sex scandals that swept like wildfire through Republican ranks would affect the outcome of Tuesday's mid-term election. A GOP power-loss seemed inevitable, upon which an era of sexual purity and accountability would flood the new government upon entry of the pious and chaste Democrats into the House and Senate.

Pelosi's promise, however, has mollified a number of the nation’s underrepresented pedophiles and philanderers, and has even given them reason to cheer.

"I'm not exactly sure how Ms. Pelosi and Democratic winners mean by 'taking America', or how a 'nude erection' is going to help, but I can't wait to see them try," said ice cream truck driver John Quintana, who was arrested in 2002 for indecent exposure to local Girl Scout troop."I've heard all kinds of slogans in my time like FDR's 'I Propose To The American People A Nude Eel', and 'All The Way With LBJ', which ended up being nothing but empty pledges, but something about Ms. Pelosi's sincerity makes me believe that she will be good to her word.”

Analysts are not yet sure what to make of Pelosi's words, but expect her intentions to become clear in the first days and weeks of the first session of Congress after the New Year.

"Strange that she would use those words to describe the Democratic vision for the next two years," pondered Rex Harris of the Washington Post. "She may be trying to curry favor with Republican voters who may be upset over the loss of representatives like Mike DeWine (R, OH) and Rick Santorum (R, PA) whose previous success made their supporters feel like real men, or perhaps it's meant as a symbol of vitality. Either way, the competition is going to be stiff as Congress begins its first Democrat-controlled session since the 1990's, and Pelosi apparently wants everyone to know that the new majority has nothing to hide and are going to come out swinging."

No matter how the Democratic takeover of the House and Senate shapes up, all parties and voters are anxious to see Pelosi and fellow Democrats straighten out Congress' state of affairs, even those who previously were not interested in politics.

"A guy like me doesn't have much use for politics ordinarily," said Stephen Loeb, who in the past has been convicted for encouraging drive-thru workers to view his penis when handing him his food, "but all of a sudden they have a message that's making me pay close attention. I'm ready to go in a nude direction. I'm ready right now."

Republican strategists, meanwhile, say they can't believe the news.

"Damnit, this could've been our trump card had we known there were so many perverts in America," said Karl Rove in frustration. "I always knew Mark Foley was a hero."

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: