Anti-War Activists Publicly Bemoan, Secretly Celebrate 2,000th U.S. Military Death In Iraq
Millions of U.S. citizens against the war in Iraq inwardly cheered today, when the U.S. military announced the death of a soldier, bringing the total up to 2,000 since the war's beginning on March 20, 2003 and subsequent ending on May 2, 2003, when President Bush said so.
The number, said one anti-war activist speaking under anonymity, represents "a great milestone for our cause".
"This is one of the greatest victories for us to come out of the war in Iraq," said one activist. "I know I've been sitting on pins and needles for the past few weeks, hoping and praying for the big 2k to hit, and now that it has I just couldn't be happier."
"For myself," he added hastily. "But those poor, poor troops and their families. We need to get out before this happens more."
He then lowered his voice to a whisper and said, "And, God/Buddha/Your God Of Choice willing, it will."
Other activists agreed.
"I did a little jig when I saw this news on CNN, right before I ran outside and told my neighbor how much of a shame it was," said another activist. "Then I ran back inside and danced more jigs."
"I hate those terrorists as much as the next guy," said a third, "but I have to say, they're doing a heck of a job over there for us and our cause. If they weren't so hellbent on taking human life, I have a feeling we could actually be pretty good friends."
The American Friends Service Committee, a large organizer of various anti-war events, is also happy, as they are planning on using the number as leverage to encourage Congress to halt funding for the war.
"If the government refuses to pull our troops out, then logically the only thing left to do is cut their funding until they all die from lack of supplies and equipment," said spokesperson Lila Lipscomb. "If even a single soldier comes back alive, the terrorists have won."
Cindy Sheehan, leader of the anti-war protest and a close opponent of President Bush's in one hypothetical poll that asked respondents who they would vote for as President right now, said that she and other activists would "die symbolically" outside the White House for the next four days.
"By pretending to die every night, we'll be making a bigger statement about the war than real dead soldiers killed in combat ever could," she said.
Rival pro-war protestors vowed that they would "symbolically kill" Sheehan and her cohorts before they can execute their plan.
"That way, people will know that I'm so glad that our soldiers are dying for our freedom, I'd shoot them myself if it would help," said pro-war leader Joe-Jack Cletus proudly.
Others who are not so quick to celebrate the 2000 dead soldiers include U.S. Army Lt. Col. Steve Boylan, who said that the number is "not a milestone" and complained that people don't celebrate the "real milestones".
"Why don't U.S. citizens and the U.S. media celebrate things like that one day where that one city had power for like 19 hours straight?" he said. "Or how about this for a headline: 'No U.S. Troops Killed Today, War Going Swimmingly'? People are just too god damned pessimistic."
President Bush agreed, calling those who gave attention to the number "chimps" and "near-illiterate morons".
"This number is not important, and if you think it is, you're in for a shocker when it goes a lot higher," he said. "Terrorists, bring it on. Some more, I mean. Keep bringing it on."