Bush Admits To Secret Facebook Pages

Pictured: Khalid Sheikh's "profile".

At a conference that took place just on the brink of the Halloween season, President Bush announced today that the United States and the CIA have operated secret webpages on the social networking site facebook.com in an effort to fight terror suspects.

Bush stressed that the U.S. does not torture terror suspects, except for when it does. He did say, however, that the methods used on Facebook to attempt to gain information from them are "alternative".

"Much of what we do on Facebook is not 'by the books'," he admitted, "but the Internets are an invaluable tool for fighting terror, and we cannot ignore them."

Analysts speculate that a variety of psychological attacks designed to break down a terror suspect's mental barriers were likely used.

"For example, a CIA agent might make a Facebook page that is purportedly the personal page of 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh, even though it really isn't," explained one CIA agent under condition of anonymity. "Then, when Sheikh logs on, he finds that people think he said things that he totally didn't, and then everyone thinks he's a real jerk. At that point, frustrated, he agrees to tell our government valuable terror secrets in exchange for letting his online friends know that he was just trippin'."

Other possible tactics cited include posting messages on terrorist suspects' actual profiles alluding to their ugliness, as well as posting pictures of underage terrorist suspects at keggers, then showing the Dean and getting them in huge trouble. Some suspects were even called "totally gay", according to some sources.

"We got Khalid Sheik plastered and drew like eight dongs on his face," snickered another anonymous CIA agent. "Then we wrote on him, 'I love the cock,' so people would fully get the message that he's totally gay. Then we put the pictures up on Facebook, and there you go. Instant confession of like six major attacks that were going to happen."

Although individuals and organizations alike, including the Council of Europe and American Association of People Against Secret Webpages, find the concept of secret webpages unlawful, the President hopes that by telling everyone about them now, "everything will be cool".

"Plus, we're not even using them anymore as of right now, for real," he said. "Terror suspects targeted on Facebook are now being transferred to Guantanemo Bay, which I keep saying I would like to close, but I can't, because terror suspects keep getting put in there."

After the Supreme Court called current tribunals held at Guantanemo Bay "crazy illegal" in June, the Bush administration was forced to come up with an alternate way of holding tribunals, while also making sure to say "tribunal" as much as possible. That legislation is now circulating through Congress, much to the chagrin of many Democrats.

"Yeah, there's legislation going around...finally!" said House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. "It's like, 'Hey, you should've written this complex piece of legislation a few days after the Supreme Court verdict, jerk!' Somebody really ought to tell our government the right way to do things, because it's just making me mad."

Another contention with the proposed bill is that it does not guarantee defendants the right to see the evidence used against them. President Bush's response, however, is that "that's because they're guilty".

"As far as I'm concerned, if you want to see the evidence against you, you're pretty much saying, 'You got me, fellas. I did it,'" he said. "It's like I tell those civil rights people all the time: if you don't have anything to hide in your car, or on your computer, or in your phone conversations, you shouldn't care that people might be looking in/listening to/meticulously recording them."

The announcements coincide with the release of a new Army field manual, which explicitly forbids actions such as torture and degrading treatment of prisoners, techniques previously welcomed and even encouraged in previous versions of the manual.

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