Anti-War Protesters Ruin Cause By Looking, Acting Stupid
In an official statement on Monday, the North American IndyMedia organization announced the end of all anti-war action in the United States because its members are "complete idiots."
After a massive protest last week in Washington, D.C., during which popular protestor Cindy Sheehan was finally arrested and shipped off for torture, many protesters began painting rainbows and writing "smash capitalism" on road signs.
"Break down the machine!" shouted one of Sheehan's supporters enthusiastically. "We need to hurry, though, because I should really hit the ATM before we go to Taco Bell."
"This clearly has nothing to do with the Iraq War," observed IndyMedia leader, Bill Bobson. "We came here to protest the war, and look what they're doing: smoking marijuana and dancing interpretively. It doesn't help. We're fighting an uphill battle anyway."
Director of Act Now to Stop War and End Racism and Capitalism and Republicans and My Parents (ANSWERCRMP), Jonathan Mattingly, was saddened by the events of the weekend.
"We’re trying to look legitimate," he said. "And then this 'code pink' group shows up, and they're fat, hideous women who think we're protesting McDonald's."
"Well, we're not!" he blurted, weeping.
Said professional protester and part-time Cat Dancer "Marvin": "Sometimes getting everyone together with some good tunes and some sweet blow overstimulates my aura. Unstable etheric oscillations can suck your spiritual reserves into a state of negative submatter, so you have to be careful. But man, why can't we all just get along and shit? What are we protesting?"
Indeed, of the protesters who took part in the Saturday protests -- most of whom were unemployed and under the age of 21 -- many did not know why the protest was happening, but they were passionate about protesting.
"This is my fourth protest in three weeks," said ex-college student Meredith "Luna Fish" Hagerty, who demanded to be called "Luna" or "Fish." "It's a rush, you know. You march and you sing songs and you don't bathe or shave your legs like capitalist society tells you because Barbie and other fascist corporations and love."
Saturday's march also drew about 500 Iraq War supporters, which equals the total amount of people in the country who care enough to waste their morning counter-protesting. They played loud country music and had a mock rodeo, during which some proud members of the US Armed Forces blasted the "sand rats" for wearing turbans.
"In Amurica [sic], we don’t wear those things," said 1st Lieutenant Mark Waters, United States Marine Corps. "In Amurica, everyone has the freedom to love Jesus and accept His loving message of WAR NOW. After all, when He and Moses fought the Romans and homos together on the steppes of Mount Olympus, it wasn't their turbans that saved them -- because they weren't wearing them."
Some will say that Waters and his country music-loving [sick] compatriots don't even need to try, however, claiming that the anti-war movement, begun by lazy white intellectuals, is in its last throes, although a majority of Americans do believe, without the usage of clever signs or frenzied dances with frogs, that America is losing the war in Iraq. Many American scholars point to the influences of "blind patriotism" and "chest-beating testosterone" as examples of trends that have overshadowed the movement. However, most experts agree that most left-wing protesters are just "idiots," and destroyed the movement's credibility.
"Stupid atheist liberal Muslims," agreed one angry redneck conservative at the pro-war rally. "There's nothing I hate more than atheist Muslims."