Overturning Of Sodomy Laws Kills Strom Thurmond

The announcement of a 6-3 Supreme Court vote to overturn laws in Texas and 13 other states that ban homosexual acts in the home occurred shortly before the death of 100 year-old former Segregationist Senator Strom Thurmond, leading doctors to conclude that it was the former announcement that ultimately brought Thurmond to an end.

Thurmond, well-known for his efforts in defining the modern conservative Republican Party, likely “could not stand” the news concerning the repeal of the sodomy law, said Dr. James Tiller, Thurmond’s former physician.

“An announcement that gives equal rights to gays and paves the way for them to be treated fairly and given the same opportunity as heterosexuals would not sit well at all with Strom,” Tiller explained, “because he enjoyed discrimination of mostly every minority group. He actually almost died once before when affirmative action was first put into place.”

But although Thurmond weathered the affirmative action movement, the Supreme Court’s decision to allow homosexuality was probably “too much for him to handle," Tiller told us.

"Strom was already in the hospital for general care, which is not surprising since he was practically older than Jesus," said Tiller. "I couldn't imagine his already-weak body handling the shock and horror of a gigantic equal rights announcement."

Nancy Fuller, a hospital nurse on duty in Thurmond's wing during the announcement, confirmed Tiller's suspicions.

"We were watching the announcement on CNN at the nurse's station," Fuller told us, "when all of a sudden, I thought to myself, 'My God, Strom is watching television in his room right now!'"

At that moment, there was a "loud, anguished cry" emanating from Thurmond's room.

"When I got there, he was clutching his chest and groaning as the rest of the news played on the TV - it was obvious he'd had a massive heart attack," Fuller remembered. "I rushed to his side to try and reassure him, but he just said, 'Those fucking faggots,' and stopped breathing. Later efforts to revive him failed."

"'Those fucking faggots,'" Dr. Tiller repeated with a grin, recalling the former Senator's last words fondly. "What a legend that man was."

In an attempt to offer tribute to Thurmond's legacy as well as appeasement to his family, the Republicans in Congress are attempting to repeal the Supreme Court's actions on the sodomy laws, as well as reinstating black slavery.

"It would be an insult to Senator Thurmond's memory to allow this bill to be passed," said Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA) with a tear in his eye. "I remember I would have him sleep over my house some nights, and we would stay up all night in our pajamas, making jokes about fruits, niggers, spics, chinks, wops, and -- oh, God..."

Santorum trailed off, overcome with emotion.

President Bush has not commented on whether or not the Supreme Court's ruling will stand, although he did express deep sorrow at Thurmond's passing.

"That man was a genius," he sobbed. "He will be missed by everyone, except for all of the minorities he was constantly making policies against."

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