Bizarro Bush Apologizes For No WMDs In State Of Union Address
In his State of the Union address tonight, Bizarro President Bush "profusely apologized" for leading the nation into war based on faulty intelligence, expanding on a statement first made by the White House this past December, when the search officially ended with a widely-circulated official announcement and televised personal apology to the nation by Bizarro Bush himself.
"I know I have apologized before," Bizarro Bush said tonight, "but I feel as though this issue is so important, America -- as well as members of Congress before me -- needs to hear it again."
Although he admitted that some of the intelligence looked promising at first, Bizarro Bush and his administration eventually grew to realize that Iraq likely did not have any WMDs at all, and that they had "some explaining to do."
"When I was but a young lad growing up under the attentive eyes of my mother and father," Bizarro Bush said, speaking with his usual eloquence and tact, "one lesson stuck with me longer than all the rest: own up to your mistakes. I have made a grave error in making an entire case for war on weapons that turned out to be nonexistent, and I believe that deserves an apology."
Having apologized, Bizarro Bush went on to some "better news" -- the withdrawal of American troops from Iraq.
"There has been talk of a draft lately," he admitted, "but I'm here to tell you today that we shan't be needing one, because our troops will be leaving Iraq, effective immediately. Our duty there, convoluted as it might have been, is now done. We have trained over 300,000 Iraqi troops, who, as you know, were filled with goodwill and duty because of how nice we were to them, and how we didn't do things like abuse prisoners. They are now ready and willing to take over their democracy. It's time to end this chapter of American history."
After sitting through a solid ten minutes of thunderous applause that signified every single Congressman agreed, Bizarro Bush dropped another "good news bombshell".
"I'm happy to announce that I've given up my completely inopportune Social Security privatization fight for now," he said, grinning. "It might have its benefits, sure, but what am I thinking trying to pass this with a massive debt right now? Gosh darn it, there are more important things for us to be spending our money on!"
Over the resulting applause, he added, "Plus, a simple two percent tax raise will fix the problem, which won't even begin to surface for another 40 years!"
On the war on terror, the Bizarro President was serious, speaking of using proven methods of sanctions and diplomacy to help nip terrorists in the bud, as well as reducing American military presence in sensitive areas, where it just serves to inflame anti-American sentiments. He also lightened the mood by offering a subtle, satirical joke.
"The United States has no right, no desire, and no intention to impose our form of government on anyone else," he deadpanned, causing the entire Assembly to burst out in hysterics.
Senate Minority Leader Bizarro Harry Reid of Nevada took the floor after the Bizarro President's conclusion, intending to give the Democratic response. As expected, it was largely an affirmation of what Bush said.
"As is par for the course, we in the Democratic Party have strong beliefs and values, and we don't ever hesitate to stand up for those beliefs and values," he said, standing up straight and wearing a pro-gay pin with pride. "That said, we more or less agree with everything Mr. Bizarro President just said. He truly represents all of us, he truly is a uniter, and we welcome this new era in American unity."
Across Bizarro America, early reports of ratings for Bush's address were positive, with over 90% of the country reportedly tuning in.
"Well," said one man from Bizarro Alabama when asked why he watched, "you should always get involved with your country and its politics whenever you can. That's my philosophy, and I reckon that's the philosophy of just about everyone in this great nation."