Bush Not Worried About Impeachment Rumors; Says He 'Hasn't Been Blown Since Entering Office'
President Bush today dismissed rumors of impeachment hearings at the hands of Congress' new Democratic majority, emphasizing that even if such proceedings were to be initiated, he has nothing to worry about due to a complete lack of Oval Office oral sex during the entire duration of his presidency to date.
"I have never let my sex life with [First Lady] Laura -- let alone a random intern -- interfere with the way this administration operates, so I don't see what all this talk about being impeached by Congress could be about," wondered the abstemious president. "People must have me confused with someone else who gets blowjobs."
Though only rumors so far, many in the newly-elected Congress have expressed their intention to hold hearings about pre-war intelligence, which could lead to impeachment if information about weapons of mass destruction is revealed to have been doctored or intentionally misrepresented. The legal team with which President Bush has surrounded himself, however, says that there is no evidence of blowjobs, handjobs, lap dances, or other impeachable offenses during Bush's tenure in office.
"Everyone knows that invading Iraq was the right thing to do," said Scott Sherwood, a member of Bush's legal team. "Not only that, but President Bush was so vehement about abrogating misconduct in the Oval Office that he had installed an anti-blowjob device under his desk, which prevents anyone from sneaking in and sucking him off, with or without his knowledge."
Bush and his legal team have publicly denied claims that pre-war intelligence was adulterated, and reiterated that the President doesn't even like cigars. The evangelical community and many conservative voices have echoed the Administration's denial that the President is at risk for any wrongdoing.
"Congress has an uphill battle ahead of them if they want to prove that the President has done anything for which he can be indicted. Try as they might, simply bringing up the fact that the President went to war with Iraq -- which, the last time I checked, is old news -- doesn't make the nut for the impeachment process these days," said columnist Charles Krauthammer of the Washington Post. "Besides, all the evidence points towards the fact that he hasn't even been laid since the first Inaugural Ball, and that was almost seven years ago; if the Democratic majority wants to press charges, they're going to have to dig deep, and all they'll find is a sexless Presidency, which will withstand their baseless canards of corruption and moral turpitude."
Furthermore, Krauthammer asserted, regardless of the "inauspicious and arbitrary" results of the midterm elections, President Bush's re-election in 2004 proves that he did nothing wrong in the lead-up to war, because the American people supported him.
"The invasion of Iraq was backed up by the American people, and if it was the wrong decision, then the repercussions should fall on their shoulders, and not the President, who refuses to even have sex with his wife if it would adversely affect world politics, let alone some skanky intern," added the conservative columnist.
Historians agree that Congress does not have any grounds with which to impeach Bush short of reverting to Andrew Johnson-style proceedings, which experts say is as likely to be enacted as the 40-acres-and-a-mule promise.
"There was a time when ignoring constitutional powers and precedents, for example, would have been grounds for impeachment," said historian Dorian Jabir of the college of William and Mary. "That, however, is as trite and dated as prohibition, the Treaty of Fort Laramie, and so on. Most experts today agree that we'd at least need the discovery of a semen-stained dress to even seriously consider an impeachment case against the President likely."
Further ruling out the impeachment theory are the Democrats themselves, who say the are not willing to pursue that route without the necessary cause and evidence.
"Democrats are not about getting even when people in the White House aren't even allowed to say the letters 'b' and 'j' anywhere near each other," said speaker-elect Nancy Pelosi. "The most racy thing going on in this administration is the occasional showing of Fiddler On The Roof. We're not impeaching anyone."
