Blood-Thirsty Liberals Nearly Kill Tom DeLay
Proving his recent complaints that the liberal media, liberal Supreme Court justices, and the elusive "secretly liberal Republicans" are against him to be true, House Majority Leader Tom DeLay was assaulted in his home last night by over 100 liberals who were apparently angered over his recent outspokenness on their tactics.
DeLay, who escaped relatively unharmed only after using the power of Christ to convert/kill the liberals, says this attack is just the latest in a string of moves designed to make him look like "some kind of paranoid maniac".
"They follow me everywhere – to NRA meetings, to foreign countries that I definitely went to on my own money, to the toilet – and shrink themselves down to a small size so that people can’t see that they’re there," he said, drooling slightly. "Oh, but I see them. I see them all."
To avoid future altercations, DeLay announced that he is enlisting the help of friends from the NRA to constitutionally disperse the liberals by shooting at them.
"When a man is in trouble or in a good fight, you want to have your friends around, preferably armed," he explained. "Some people might consider this some kind of threat, but those people are following international law instead of the Constitution of the United States, which states that if I want to shoot at shrunk-down liberals who live in my mouth and try and tell me what to do, I have the right to do that."
DeLay was particularly outspoken against one such liberal, Republican Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy.
"Tony, when he’s not in my mouth, is constantly making outrageous decisions," DeLay fumed. "Did you know that he admitted that he does his own research on the Internet? The Internet, for crying out loud! A joint venture between Al Gore and the ghost of Adolf Hitler!"
Kennedy, whose recent decisions include ruling against the federally mandated reinsertion of a feeding tube into a brain dead private citizen, upholding the right to an abortion if the health of the woman and/or fetus in question is in danger, and permitting lawsuits against polluters for instances of past pollution, is a perfect example of an "activist judge enacting his own batshit insane agenda on America," DeLay further explained.
"This wacko's views don’t match up with the views of the majority of Americans, except in the case of the feeding tube. And pollution controls. And depending on how you phrase the question, abortion," DeLay said. "He's an activist judge!"
And that's the biggest insult in all of this, the majority leader went on to say: that members of the "moral majority" such as himself are constantly being oppressed by the "liberal elite".
"The only thing we get to do around here is drill for oil in Alaska, and have our own way with Iraq, and control both the House and the Senate," he groused. "The Republicans are the most oppressed political party in United States history."
Incidentally, his near-murder is not DeLay's only trouble right now in the political arena; he is also accused of accepting trips from lobbyists in an ethics controversy. Delay is quick to point out, however, that the Republicans have offered to place him before an ethics committee, provided Democrats agree to ethics standards that were passed without their approval in January.
"I don't see why they wouldn't accept this," he said. "This is outrageous."