Rumsfeld Criticized For Showing Graphic Images Of Himself

Pictured: sorry about this.

U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld came under fire recently after authorizing the go-ahead to release what some called "graphic" pictures of the dead bodies of Saddam Huessin's two sons to the media, perhaps in an effort to quell any rumors circulating amongst U.S. as well as Iraqi citizens that the murdering of the sons was a hoax.

Today, however, Rumsfeld faces more criticism for what many say is a "gruesome and horrific display" of himself.

"On Thursday, July 26th, news stations around the country aired despicable, graphic footage," said Martha Jennings, president of the Parental Organization Against Kids Seeing Things That Might Hurt Them Psychologically Or Something (POAKSTTMHTPOS), at a press conference yesterday. "They aired unedited, unscreened live video of Donald Rumsfeld, talking to the press without any kind of censoring sheet over his face."

"I ask you," Jennings said, her voice rising, "is this an image we want our impressionable children looking at before they go to bed?"

Speaking from what she called "personal experience", Jennings claimed that her own six year-old son was "clearly traumatized" by the footage.

"CNN was on, and they suddenly flashed up a message saying that what they were about to show was graphic footage that could offend some viewers," she recalled. "Of course, I jumped up to cover my son's eyes, but by the time I made it halfway across the room, it was too late -- the decrepit, sneering skull that serves as Donald Rumsfeld's face was already cackling away on our 40" television."

The six year-old immediately began "screaming and choking", and eventually vomited profusely all over the living room, according to Jennings.

"His face was turning red, and all the while he was choking, he kept trying to tear his eyes out of his...his face," Jennings said, holding back tears. "It was absolutely horrific, though not nearly to the degree that Rumsfeld's face was."

Jennings' son was rushed to a nearby hospital, where doctors, including Dr. Randall McCoy, assessed the boy's condition as a "serious digestive reaction to hideousness".

"As adults, we have built up a tolerance to obscene sights such as Rumsfeld's face or Michael Jackson," McCoy explained. "We may feel revulsion, even suicidal thoughts, but no actual physical harm comes to us. With children, however, seeing such gruesome sights can cause anything from digestive trauma to severe brain hemmoraging."

True to McCoy's words, hospital data from around the nation indicates at least several thousand children reacted strongly to seeing Rumsfeld's unedited footage of himself.

"My 12 year-old Janice was talking on the phone to a girlfriend while CNN played in the background, and everything seemed fine," said a Texas father tearfully. "Then she suddenly began shouting, 'HOLY FUCKING SHIT,' over and over, attempting to smash her head through the living room floor. I found out later that god damned network somehow got the okay to show Donald Rumsfeld in a live conference. Jesus."

"When Fox News said they would be back after the break with a statement from Donald Rumsfeld, I assumed they meant a voice-over from him, or perhaps one of those things where he's on camera, but all the lights are off," said another Iowa man. "But never in my life could I have expected to come back in from getting a snack to find my nine year-old daughter convulsing and frothing from her mouth violently on the floor while something that looked like a caricature of the cryptkeeper swirled around on my television."

"Never, never, never," mumbled 16 year-old Christina Huller from a local mental hospital, where she was taken after having a "severe reaction" to seeing Rumsfeld. "Never again, I don't like the talking demons. Football applesauce."

President Bush has condemned the appearance of Rumsfeld, and even made inflammatory remarks about Rumsfeld himself, calling him "one of the leaders of a brutal regime".

"Rumsfeld's image is responsible for the torture, maiming and harming of countless Americans -- what I like to call 'the three M's'," Bush said gravely. "He is also a ruthless war criminal that --"

Bush then apparently realized that he was speaking about someone from his own cabinet, and quickly ran away.

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