Schwarzenegger Illustrates Admiration For Women By Having Sex With Wife, Other Women
California Republican candidate hopeful Arnold Schwarzenegger has come under fire recently for allegedly harassing several women beginning in the mid-70's and continuing as recently as the year 2000. Though Schwarzenegger has attempted to put the allegations behind him by admitting that he has "misbehaved" in the past but deeply regrets it in the present, polls show that many voters -- particularly women -- are still not convinced.
In light of this, Schwarzenegger held a press conference in California yesterday where he had "repeated, enthusiastic" sexual intercourse with wife Maria Shriver, according to those in attendance.
Schwarzenegger opened the conference by reiterating the situation he was in with respect to the women voters.
"I know many of you out there are worrying about my dedication and commitment to women," he said, attempting to appear serious but unable to disable the permanent grin that is hardwired into his face. "And I tell you again, you should not worry, because I know there have been many women who were very respectable, and very good cookers and cleaners, and very beautiful, with very appealing breasts and asses that many men would like to touch, even if the women said, 'No, Arnold, you must stop this,' but then I didn't."
But Schwarzenegger followed this by stating that he now was aware that "just words" would not convince some of his potential voters.
"Many of you know me from my movies as a man of action," he said, a red glow emanating from his eyes, "and so at this press conference I will show you my love for women with action."
Schwarzenegger then removed his and his wife's clothing in roughly 2.4 seconds, shoved her to the ground, jumped on top of her, and began engaging in severe, fierce intercourse with her.
"So as you can see," Schwarzenegger said, able to speak normally despite the high degree of motion and force he was putting forth, "I clearly love women very much, especially my wife."
Schwarzenegger, still having sex with his wife, then opened the floor to questions.
"What would you say to those who think this is a frankly disturbing and disgusting display?" asked one reporter.
"I would say that they are jealous, and do not respect women as I do," Schwarzenegger replied, laughing and placing a hand on his wife's breast.
Minutes later, after several more questions, Schwarzenegger dismounted and expanded on his earlier statements.
"I said that I was a man of action, and would show you my love for women," he said. "But that was only one woman -- my wife. And I already know she will vote for me! The people who really need convincing are other women."
The governor hopeful then leaped off the stage into the crowd, where he began attempting intercourse with several of the female journalists.
"Oh, I love you all!" he said joyously as screams and shouts of terror erupted amongst the reporters. "I love all of you women!"
As news of the press conference spread, many said that it wasn't even Schwarzengger's stand on women that concerned them, but rather his "rampant Nazi views".
"What I don't like is that Arnold practically said that he loves Adolf Hitler more than anything in the world, and if given the chance, would have sexual intercourse with him," said one California man. "That is just not the kind of sick bastard I want in my governor's office."
"Women, shemen," another man said. "Who gives a shit? What matters is that I heard that at the press conference Arnold gave the Nazi salute and said 'Heil Hitler.' What a sick bastard."
"How in the hell could you admire Hitler's leadership qualities?" shouted a California woman. "He committed atrocities, so therefore he had none! It's not hard!"
Dan Johnson, a political analyst, said these negative feelings towards Schwarzenegger due to his remarks concerning admiration of Hitler's leadership skills were not surprising at all.
"When something good or bad happens, it's important to train yourself to remember that it's completely good or bad, without any elements of anything else whatsoever," he said. "Most people are successful at doing this, and so naturally it upsets them to hear anything good about Adolf Hitler, the Jew-murdering Jew murder who hated Jews and could never do anything right because he was evil."