Bush Declares 'Mission Accomplished', Claims Presidency
Despite the fact that not even half of the total votes in the country have been counted as of 10:15 PM EST, President Bush has announced that his "mission" -- that of returning to the White House for the next four years -- is "accomplished".
"I am happy to announce that democracy has prevailed," he said, standing on top of Air Force One, which in turn was on top of an air craft carrier, as eagles and doves flew around his face and a heavenly spotlight illuminated his face. "On this day, at this time, democracy was put to the test in the United States. And it worked."
Bush went on to explain that he never had any doubts about his eventual win.
"Having a democracy is a lot harder than having a dictatorship, because there are all kinds of pesky 'choices' that can confuse people," he said. "Luckily, the people of the United States have chosen correctly. They were close to having an unprecedented reign of terror with John Kerry, but that crisis has been averted. The United States is free once more."
The Kerry campaign, meanwhile, has protested against the early announcement of victory, claiming that it could hamper potential Kerry voters in the West, where polls have not yet closed.
"Our research shows that at least seven million people in the West bring pocket televisions with them to the polls, so that they can watch the results from the East on CNN and adjust their vote accordingly," said DNC Chairman Terry McAuliffe. "George W. Bush has sabotaged yet another election."
But Bush bristled at this, explaining that he didn't have to sabotage the election.
"I was going to," he said. "I mean, of course I was. But then I realized something important, something patriotic and free and terror terrorists terror: I had already won. The election was over, and my mission was accomplished. And now here I am before you."
When told of Bush's comments, Senator John Kerry launched a lengthy explanation on his take of the surprising turn of events.
"I actually did vote for the President today," Kerry explained, "because I thought he was going to do things that were good for me. Now I realize that that was a mistake, and that he was just out to defeat me this whole time. Ladies and gentlemen, let me ask you: what kind of a leader is this?"
Meanwhile, independent candidate Ralph Nader maintained that the race, despite what Bush says, is far from over.
"I know that deep down inside, Americans want what is right," he said. "I think that when more of the votes across the country are counted, I'll probably be elected."