U.S. Credibility Concerns Prompt Alex Trebek CIA Hiring
As the search for the elusive Iraqi weapons of mass destruction continues to prove fruitless thus far, the United States is finding itself in an increasingly precarious situation in the eyes of the worldwide public; the weapons were the nation's primary justification for going to war, but many say that the government relied on faulty, distorted, and outdated intelligence to prove their cause was worthy.
But though the CIA's reputation as a credible intelligence-gathering agency may be momentarily in doubt, the government is looking to the future to reinstate a positive image for the agency, as evidenced by the announcement of a new Head of Internal Affairs today by President Bush.
"We have no doubt that our intelligence was sound, and that weapons of mass destruction will be found, even if we have to put them in that god damned country ourselves," Bush said in a press conference earlier this morning. "But although we praise our central intelligence agency for their help in this matter, it is clear that there needs to be a changing of the guard. That is why I've recruited the smartest man in the universe, Alex Trebek, to be the new Head of Internal Affairs."
At this point, Alex Trebek joined Bush onstage with a bewildered smile on his face as the press erupted in cheers.
"Alex Trebek was the host of 'Jeopardy' for years, and whenever I saw that show, I would think to myself, 'How in the name of Jesus can that man know of those answers?'" Bush said. "I eventually came to realize that Alex Trebek is the most intelligent human being who ever lived. In fact, according to my calculations, he is smarter than three Albert Einsteins combined."
But it wasn't until "about a week ago", according to Bush, that he came up with the idea to hire the Jeopardy host for the CIA.
"All of these media reports are coming out and questioning how good our CIA really is, and I was trying to brainstorm how I could fix that," Bush explained. "I was thinking in particular about what 'CIA' actually stands for -- 'Secret [sic] Intelligence Affirmation'. Think about it: intelligence. And who's the most intelligent guy around? That's right: Alex God Damned Trebek."
"When you think about it," Bush added, "it makes you wonder why we didn't get him the hell in there before."
According to Bush, Trebek will oversee the manner in which the CIA collects data and information, and will introduce "new and better ways" of managing the organization.
"We're letting Alex come up with a lot of his own ideas," Bush said, "but one thing I'm insisting he do is set up the meetings in the style of Jeopardy. For example, the category could be 'Weapons of Mass Destruction', and the answer could be, 'This country has weapons of mass destruction, no matter what those hippie-pinko-commie-liberals say.'"
Bush then turned to Trebek with a grin and said, "And what would the question be, Alex?"
With a sigh, Trebek replied, "Iraq, I suppose, but --"
"That's right, Iraq!" Bush beamed. "And you know what? Since Alex said it was so on the show, it would be right, and no-one would complain about our intelligence anymore. Problem solved."
The floor was then opened up to Trebek, who was asked how the President came about approaching him for the job.
"We were doing a taping of Jeopardy, when all of a sudden he walked onto the set, attempting to provide a question to the answer, 'This computer giant was hounded through the mid-to-late nineties by antitrust suits.' Bush said, 'What is Tron?' and guffawed loudly for a few minutes."
Secret Service agents then grabbed Trebek and took him from the set, where he was replaced by Ben Stein, the "second-smartest man in the universe", according to Bush.
When the questions were over, Trebek attempted to further clarify conceptions about his intelligence.
"You know, I don't really know all of the answers on the show," he explained. "I just read the cards. I've been trying to explain that to Mr. President, but he --"
"Cards, shmards!" Bush shouted with a nervous smile, elbowing Trebek sharply. "You know everything, and that's why you say Iraq has weapons. Because they do, and that's why the war was justified."
He then added, "And if they don't, we'll just say it was because Saddam was mean and go get Syria."