Bush Declared 'Fit For Duty', Is Shipped To Iraq
After being pronounced "fit for duty" by his doctors after his annual checkup on Saturday, President Bush was quickly recruited by military officers for "immediate duty" in Iraq.
"The doctors say he's fit for duty, and that's good enough for us," said Master Sergeant Tim Reeger, "because Lord knows there's plenty of duty here for him."
Reeger said that the military ordinarily does not employ the services of 58-year-old men on the battlefield, but that they would make an exception for Bush due to his "exceptional physical health" and prior "failure to serve".
"He sat out in Vietnam, so the way we figure it, he owes us one," Reeger explained. "Plus he's so healthy, you'd almost never guess he used to be an alcoholic, although as a precaution we're not letting him near the booze."
Reeger added that Bush's good health is the primary reason why Vice President Dick Cheney, who is estimated to have died over seven years ago, will not be serving.
But why send a serving President to war? It's all part of the military's initiative to attempt to avoid the draft as long as possible, as per Bush's campaign promise.
"We've extended the active tours of duty of the men we have, we've enlisted the help of over five Iraqi soldiers -- pretty much anything possible to try not to draft people, which we desperately need to do because apparently there's supposed to be some kind of election here soon," Reeger said. "Now the only thing left to do is start getting some government officials over here and fight the war they were so willing to begin on paper."
When asked if getting U.N. assistance is a viable alternative solution to the problem, Reeger laughed for over ten minutes.
"But seriously," he said, wiping his eyes. "What's the U.N.?"
Some critics say that without a President serving domestically, the United States will be perceived as vulnerable to attack. But Reeger dismissed these concerns, suggesting that a President's duties actually "don't amount to all that much".
"Come on -- we have a Senate and a House for a reason," he said. "The President could go missing for months without anyone noticing. Hell, one time he did. We had to use Will Ferrell as a stand-in for public appearances. Later we found the real President in a ditch in Wisconsin, sniffing ether from a rag and drawing 'weapons of mass destruction' in the dirt for later use against Iran."
In related news, Former New York Police Commissioner Bernard Kerik, who announced Saturday that he was withdrawing his name for nomination for Homeland Security secretary due to employing over nine thousand illegal immigrants, will also now be shipped to Iraq in order to provide Homeland Security there, which means, bizarrely, that he will immediately begin attacking American forces.
Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani was briefly suspected as a possible replacement for Kerik, but he declined due to "continuing obligations of doing nothing".
"Dude, I have a lot of like, shit going on right now," Giuliani said exasperatedly, laying motionless on a recliner in his home in a sweatsuit covered with over seven days' worth of food. "Besides, I freaking saved New York from terrorists. Let me have a little rest."
Meanwhile, current Homeland Security head Tom Ridge, who submitted his resignation on November 30th but was told "Nope, not yet," by Bush, burst into tears.
"Let me out," he sobbed. "Jesus Christ, just let me out."