Bush Gives Official Endorsement To Dennis Kucinich
In a stunning and completely unorthodox move, Republican President Bush gave his full endorsement to a Democratic Presidential candidate, Dennis Kucinich, according to a press conference given by the President early yesterday morning.
The move is confusing to many since it basically equates to Bush giving his full support to someone who could end up being his opponent in the Presidential elections this November. Bush, however, attempted to clear the issue up by explaining that he just "wanted to be fair".
"People say that no President has ever before endorsed a member of the opposite party," he said. "Well, I say that those people have never heard of George W. Bush, a Texan who is fair to everyone he meets."
As such, Bush said he is lending his "full recommendation" to Kucinich, meaning that he expects all voters from all parties to vote for him in the remaining Democratic Presidential caucuses.
"I admire Dennis Kucinich, and I need to have him as my opponent in November," Bush said. "I'm serious, here. I'm not going to go against John Kerry, for Christ's sake. Have you seen those preliminary polls?"
The polls Bush is referring to, taken recently, showed that in a mock election held today, John Kerry could conceivably beat Bush. By contrast, Dennis Kucinich received approximately one percent of the votes in the recent Iowa caucus, a loss many attribute to Kucinich's "nerdy, shrew-like" demeanor.
With Bush's endorsement, however, support for Kucinich is expected to climb dramatically, especially given that Bush paraded Kucinich out at the press conference, shaking his hand and patting him on the back.
"Here he is, the guy who I want to oppose me instead of that scary-as-hell Howard Dean guy: Dennis Kucinich!" Bush shouted, as a bewildered-looking Kucinich emerged onstage to approximately two people clapping their hands (note: as we go to press, we are told that one of those people believed Kucinich was Lucky the Leprechaun, and applauded in the belief that the candidate came bearing delicious Lucky Charms).
"Well, I'm flattered that Mr. Bush has endorsed me," Kucinich said, "but that isn't going to make me back down on many of my campaign platforms, such as withdrawing immediately from Iraq and NAFTA, and --"
"All right, hey, yeah!" Bush interrupted, clapping loudly and giving Kucinich a noogie. "Hey, this guy's a little bastard, isn't he, folks?"
The President then opened the floor for comments, where he immediately addressed the question of why he had chosen to endorse Kucinich, a near-asterisk in the polls, over a more serious contender.
"I guess what it comes down to is, I want to make sure I have an opponent this November who is the real opposite of me, to make sure voters have a good choice," Bush explained. "I'm the sensible, votable, Presidential kind of guy, whereas Derwood [presumably Kucinich] is crazy, and confuses and frightens people."
"His name," an annoyed reporter responded, "is Darren," though this was later shown to be incorrect.
Bush added that he was considering endorsing Dean rather than Kucinich, but ultimately decided against it.
"Howard Dean does have that thing going on where a lot of people are afraid he's going to eat their first-born children if he gets into office," Bush admitted, "but he might shoot me in the face during the Presidential candidate debates."
Bush reportedly also contacted the Reverend Al Sharpton to see what he thought of a possible endorsement, but could not get through to Sharpton, who kept insisting that Bush was actually calling in order to oppress black people and minorities.