Bush Gives Okay To Bush-Led WMD Probe Commission
Spurred by former WMD inspection team head David Kay publicly admitting prewar intelligence on Iraq being "almost all wrong" and the absence of even indications of WMD thus far, President Bush announced today the creation of a special, independent commission to investigate what exactly went wrong with U.S. intelligence before the war.
Many have been calling for the creation of such a commission for some now; prior to the war's beginning, the administration seemed confident in the WMD's presence, with Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld saying "We know where they are. They are in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad and east, west, south and north somewhat," and even Bush himself claiming on television that "we found the weapons of mass destruction...for those who say we haven't found [them], they're wrong, we found them."
Now, in the absence of the WMD, the Bush administration is finally relenting, calling for a "complete and thorough" investigation into why the intelligence failed.
"I want the American people to know that I, too, want to know the facts,” Bush said. "That's why I am proud to announce the creation of a completely independent commission designed to investigate this tomfoolery."
The commission, led by Bush, Rumsfeld, Vice President Dick Cheney, Attorney General John Ashcroft, and select members of the Fox News Channel, is designed to trace any sources of faulty intelligence, and ensure that the U.S. exercises more discretion against them in the future.
Bush revealed that the commission has actually already done preliminary research on the matter, and is pleased with the results thus far.
"What we have discovered so far is that we didn't make any mistakes, and that our intelligence was awesome," Bush explained. "We never even said that we knew where the WMD were -- that was mostly the media."
When told by a confused reporter that there were records of Bush and his staff claiming that they did in fact know where the weapons were, Bush nodded sympathetically and said, "Well, there you go. Aren't you glad we investigated that with the commission?"
Bush also said that early findings showed that other allegations against U.S. intelligence -- such as a map to the WMD being drawn on the back of a McDonald's placemat and over 80% of the overall intelligence being based on the fact that Saddam "tried to kill Bush's daddy" -- were unfounded.
"All our intelligence told us was that Iraq had lots of oil, and that we couldn't catch Osama bin Laden so we had to catch someone, and that Saddam is the Lord and Master of Evil," Bush said. "Nothing else. If anybody -- including myself -- has ever said anything opposite, you're remembering wrong. Or they were lying. Or whatever."
Bush was also quick to say that whatever the findings of the commission, he still firmly believed the war was "plenty justified", WMD or not.
"When there are people out there committing atrocities against their own people and just causing a ruckus in general, it's our job to go stop them," he said sternly. "Unless you're North Korea, I mean. Jesus, those guys are scary."
Reactions to the idea of the commission seemed to be mixed from many Americans.
"I guess I'm just not sure why we need a commission to investigate this," one Missouri man said, furrowing his brow. "I mean, we're America. Can't we do what we want?"
"I can tell you what happened, and I'm no god damned commission," said another man from Florida. "Saddam had at least ten nuclear bombs and biological and chemical weapons, but he quickly wrecked them all as our troops were closing in on his city. He is the ultimate strategist."
"I like the idea of a commission and all, but shouldn't Bush finally tell everyone what 'WMD' stands for?" asked one California woman. "I think it's time the American people knew the truth!"
"If this keeps up," she added ominously, "I just might vote Democrat."