Bush Uses News Conference To Explain Chaucer, Chocolate Chip Cookie Recipes

In response to questions from reporters about social security, the Iraqi insurgency, and gasoline, President Bush, at his fourth news conference tonight, gave lectures on the works of Geoffrey Chaucer (specifically, the classic "The Canterbury Tales"), several varying recipes for chocolate chip cookies, a brief history of the color green, and an explanation of how an electron gun displays images in a standard cathode ray tube television.

Bush prefaced the question and answer session with a brief speech concerning energy and social security. Aides reported that the President had considered explaining in detail how he had called the news conference to discuss several new options and compromises he had thought up to help rectify these prominent American problems, but ultimately decided against the idea due the ideas being "too mind-blowing".

"Seriously, when you hear how he worked across party lines to develop a comprehensive plan to save social security, your head will be in danger of exploding," said one anonymous aide. "In fact, just hearing that he has a plan in place would probably be enough. It's not something we just want to spring on the public all at once."

Consequently, Bush stuck to familiar themes in his speech, including stating that we must use technology somehow to reduce our energy demands, and reminding Americans how Social Security, in its current form, will eventually kill them and give their children cancer. After his speech, he opened the floor up to reporters, who took the opportunity to ask him questions in the belief that he would answer them.

"Your top military officer, General Richard Myers, says the Iraqi insurgency is as strong now as it was a year ago," said one reporter. "Why is that the case? And why haven't you been more successful in limiting the violence?"

"You know, the Franklin's tale is, I think, one of the most interesting stories in The Canterbury Tales," Bush replied, as the reporters nodded and smiled. "On the one hand, you have the Franklin trying to promote honor and a certain moral code, but through him, Chaucer is subtly indicating something else entirely."

"And that's really what's happening in Iraq, with democracy, and freedom."

Reporters, though apparently satisfied with the answer, did not stop in their unrelenting tough questions; one asked, "Mr. President, recently the head of the Family Research Council said that judicial filibusters are an attack against people of faith. And I wonder whether you believe that, in fact, that is what is nominating Democrats who oppose your judicial choices. And I wonder what you think, generally, about the role that faith is playing, how it's being used in our political debates right now."

"I find it interesting that you mention chocolate chip cookies," Bush replied, "because I too find them to be delicious. Now, there are several different ways to bake chocolate chip cookies. And I think that any one of those ways is just fine, because in the end, we all get to eat the cookies."

"And those cookies are delicious."

"But what I'm encouraging here is that there is a certain recipe, I believe, that is superior to those other recipes. It's the recipe I go by. It's the recipe all my friends go by. And it's the recipe I'd really love for all of you to go by. I can email it to you all if you want. Can you give me your email addresses now?"

After a 20 minute aside for email address exchanges, including a seven minute diversion when Bush and a reporter had a misunderstanding about whether or not email could safely be used without using up valuable energy resources, the President continued.

"Anyway, if you just add in the right kinds of chips -- I prefer Nestle, myself -- you're all good to go. It's all in the email. I hope you'll all read it."

At this point, the reporter, who for some reason felt that his question was insufficiently answered, interjected, "Sir, what I asked is --"

"I KNOW," Bush shouted, summoning guards. "I KNOW WHAT YOU ASKED. CEASE THAT MAN."

The rest of the conference continued without interruption, although Bush did mention that he was hurrying things along so that he didn't "cut into some of the TV shows that are getting ready to air for the sake of the economy." A Gallup internet poll revealed that over 97% of Americans appreciated this.

"The President is cool and all, but frankly he's a lot more boring and insignificant than the new episode of 'The Simple Life'," said one woman. "Those girls! They get into all kinds of situations, don't they?"

"If I miss my god damned 'CSI', I'm going to brutally murder someone," snapped another woman. "And I watch it so much that nobody will be able to know who did it, because I know all the tricks, like forensics and all."

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