Obama Quits Presidency, Accepts Floor Manager Position At Office Supply Firm
Former President-Elect Barack Obama is quitting the job of Commander-In-Chief, effective immediately, so that he can focus on a more relaxed career as a floor manager at Office Depot, he announced at a press conference today.
Obama has yet to formerly take office, but has already had to consider several catastrophes, including a deep U.S. recession, rising tensions between Israel and Palestine, and "other shit that's frankly too heavy for me right now", he told reporters.
"This isn't the kind of thing I signed up for when I first began my application process for this job," he said. "I'm flattered that you considered me, but I really think that I need to take some time to chill and take on a little less responsibility."
In his new career at Office Depot, Obama will be in charge of up to five employees per shift, and will receive a 10% employee discount on all office supplies.
Obama's new boss, Mr. Peretti, stresses that Obama will still have challenges to deal with.
"We have our own kind of bailouts to worry about here," Peretti revealed. "I will be expecting Barack to 'bail out' any and all customers trying to find the toner that matches their model of printer."
Peretti also listed the "war" between the technology and furniture departments and "Office Depot's Guantanamo Bay [i.e., the stock room]" as other issues that will likely crop up in Obama's first term as manager, which is defined as his 60 day probationary period, after which he will be eligible for health benefits.
It's not uncommon for former Presidents to go on to make money in the private sector -- Bill Clinton charges over three trillion dollars for a speaking engagement -- but this is the first time in history that a Presidential-Elect has traded in his future duties for the exciting world of office supplies.
Analysts speculate that Obama most likely stepped down because of his famous love of selling paper and copiers.
"I can't really think of any reason why somebody would not want to be President right now, other than the ever-present temptation of a cushy job bossing around teenagers," said David Palmer, a senior fellow at the Brookings Institution. "It's clear that Mr. Obama literally can not stand being apart from office supplies for too long a time."
Obama's stepping down means that Vice-President Elect Joe Biden will assume power on January 20, 2009.
"Hey, okay! It's like, 'somebody show me where them nukes are!'" Biden said, marking the occasion with his infamous bizarre statements. "Am I right, folks?"