Closet Liberal's Cover Blown At Thanksgiving Dinner
Donald Coenspraugh, self-declared "secret" liberal and Kerry supporter, gave away his facade of conservatism and right-leaning philosophy sometime after 1:30 this past Thursday, after the political discussion he willingly entered into with various family members, according to those members present at the holiday dinner-turned-coming-out party.
Coenspraugh, bankruptcy lawyer, 26, has indefatigably managed to maintain the appearance of political conservatism in life and in philosophy to his parents and family while attending rallies for the Democratic party, Attorneys Against Bush, and concerts by rock bands Death Cab For Cutie and Smoldering Roadkill.
Spokesperson for Smoldering Roadkill, Jan Jenkins, had this to say: "We don't know Mr. Coenspraugh personally, but if he had anything to do with our last show in Chicago, than he was definitely not going to vote Republican. That is, of course, as long as he was one of the hundreds that joined in chanting 'Fuck Bush' at the end of the set."
The unmasking of Coenspraugh's political viewpoints came at approximately the same time that Aunt Jeena mentioned that Grandma Coenspraugh's cranberry sauce was much better than the store-bought variety. While cranberry sauce and political activism have been tied together since the release of the Beatles' "Anthology II", the union had been unknown to the Coenspraughs until young Donald drew an analogy that would prove to be damning.
"Yeah, that homemade stuff is always so much better than the corporate, environmentally unsound and totally superficial stuff that comes in the shape of a land mine," he remarked, adding moments later, perhaps aware of his mistake, "Is what a hippie would say."
In addition, with the cinders of the recent election still glowing hot in Coenspraugh's gut, the young legal expert failed to refrain from his usual non-participation or outright concurrence with his family's political positions.
"His biggest mistake was saying, 'The situation over there is so screwed up,'" said Coenspraugh's father Larry, 54. "He said it so contemptuously, and even though he quickly qualified that with 'Over in Ukraine, can you believe that crap?', I now realize that all those issues of the National Review laying around his apartment were strategically placed, like so many insurgent roadside bombs, to fool his mother and I."
The elder Coenspraugh then shook his head and swore that he would return his son to the way, the truth and the right.
Speculations have also been made as to the validity of Coenspraugh's previous statements in which he called Kerry a "Massachusetts liberal", Edwards an "ambulance chaser" and Dick Cheney a "national hero".
"I guess he never really meant any of that," stated Grandmother Coenspraugh, who later got her grandson to admit that the war in Iraq was "a big fuckeroo" later in the evening after several glasses of wine, with a sigh. "We all just feel so fooled -- one minute he was all about Bush getting re-elected, and the next he opposes the war in Iraq. Aren't we killing people like that over there?"
Grandma then put her handkerchief to her sweating forehead and said, "I really wonder if he actually voted for Bush, or if he wrote in 'Adolph Hitler'."
Donald's brother Paul, who witnessed his younger sibling making a salad from organic lettuce, also feels betrayed.
"It always takes the people close to you," he said, clarifying later that by "it", he meant, "liberalitis".
The uncovered Coenspraugh expressed sorrow at his discovered true beliefs.
"Years of studying conservative attitudes and administration policy for weaknesses have been exposed," he said. "While I've amassed a political arsenal with which I would dismantle and bury any one of my friends or co-workers who dared challenge my beliefs, being well-versed in the doctrine of the fanatic right also made surviving family functions easy. While Grandpa talked about the 'evil Democrats', I could say something more interesting than 'yeah' – it was like I was one of their own."
Dejectedly, he added, "Now they're going to be praying for my redemption and shit."