Kerry Vows To Filibuster Alito With Boring, Convoluted Speeches
Senator and President of the United States of Kerrydreamville John Kerry has vowed to filibuster Supreme Court Justice nominee Samuel Alito, calling Alito's possible election an "ideological coup" and "something that I most likely would not like very much".
Citing "countless instances in which Mr. Alito has irrevocably demonstrated that he would engage in certain actions while on the Supreme Court that may or may not be in the best interests of our country -- certainly more likely to be the latter than the former, but see attached supplement 7b for further clarification", Kerry says that he will not back down or exercise a word limit for his sentences until Alito has been vanquished.
"I absolutely will not hesitate to use words like 'anthropomorphism' and 'hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia' as the Senate tries futilely to vote on Mr. Alito," he said. "I may also give a long-winded explanation on why I once did and still kind of do, but not really support the war in Iraq."
Kerry has spent the day on the phone, explaining as quickly as he could his situation and ultimately having the time to talk to two senators, one of whom was not really a senator, but a 42 year-old Wisconsin janitor that has a similar phone number as a senator. The other person he was able to talk to was Senator John Edwards, who wholeheartedly supports him.
"Oh my gosh, go go John Kerry!" Edwards said breathlessly, squealing with delight and leaping up and down. "That is, like, so what I would have done if I was big and strong like him!"
Senator Ted Kennedy, who is believed to actually be up to three senators in one body, also supports Kerry.
"KILL ALITO," he shouted, momentarily falling asleep but waking up again with a start. "KILL HIM."
Yet some Democrats aren't sure that the filibuster threat is a sound move to make, worrying that irate Republicans would simply recruit a few stray Democrats to get the 60 votes and seven Stones of Ghlintock required to block the filibuster.
"I'd sure as hell side with the Republicans," commented "Democrat" Senator Robert Byrd. "Judge Alito has proven to me that a guy really doesn't have to agree to much to get a new addition to his house."
"If Mr. Alito was really a radical nutjob, I'm sure he would've said something about it by now," reasoned Senator Tim Johnson, another dissenting Democrat. "It would really be the polite thing to do."
Surprisingly, records indicate that Alito has never admitted to being a radical nutjob, and has in fact answered most questions at his confirmation hearings in a vague non-conclusive manner. This "could go either way" style of speaking is what won over the likes of Johnson and Byrd.
"This is a guy who loves his country, and who will try pretty darn hard up there on that Supreme Court," Byrd said proudly, tears welling up in his eyes. "If there's one thing I could tell from his answers, it's that he would like it if he got the job. And the job is in America."
The White House agrees, and has issued a statement making fun of the Democrats.
"This is specifically why we did Harriet Miers first," press secretary and secret wrist-cutter Scott McClellan said. "Everyone got to have some fun, and the Democrats got to feel like they did something when she didn't go through. Well, actually, a few of them liked her, but it's not my fault they don't recognize an unqualified moron until a god damned levee breaks."
Furthermore, President Bush himself personally added in a statement, should Alito's nomination miraculously fail, there's "plenty more where that came from".
"Mr. Alito isn't the only guy with a vaguely minority-sounding name that will rule the way I want him to," Bush said. "We can do this all year. In fact, due to certain things that aren't scandals but are being treated that way by the liberal media, I think that's a danged good idea."