Cheney Dismisses Clinton's Heart Surgery; Calls Former President 'Light Weight'

While much of the country has rejoiced at the news that former President Bill Clinton has gone through his bypass surgery unharmed and is expected to make a full recovery, Vice President Dick Cheney scoffed when told of Clinton's success, calling him a "pansy" and mocking the over 30,000 people that left messages of goodwill on Clinton's website.

"Well loo-de-fucking-doo, he survived a quadruple bypass heart surgery!" Cheney shouted sarcastically. "Guess what, Bill? I had the same damn bypass in 1988. That was after heart attack numero three, by the way."

The Vice President also made light of the cause of Clinton's heart trouble, which is at least partially attributed to his infamous love of fatty foods and his small weight problem.

"Oh, so the McDonald's-loving fat ass got some heart trouble? Sur-fucking-prize," he snarled. "At least my first heart attack was from smoking up to three packs a day. That's a man's heart attack right there, not some hippie liberal 'too much fries' one."

Cheney, who has had four heart attacks in the past 26 years, seemed bitter and at times almost jealous over the national attention Clinton's heart surgery was receiving.

"I didn't get even one half of the support that Clinton's getting now, even after my fourth god damned heart attack," he said glumly. "And I just don't know why that is."

The Vice President then told our reporter to "fuck off" for wearing glasses similar to his.

Cheney isn't the only member of the current administration disenchanted by Clinton's support, however; reports are swirling that many Republicans are concerned about the attention that the former Democrat is getting, and what affect -- if any -- it will have on Bush's re-election bid.

Some have even suggested that the President himself is preparing his body for a heart attack in order to win back the support of those who may be feeling compassion for Clinton, and thus for the Democratic Party as a whole.

"George has really been running himself ragged lately, trying to get his heart to attack him," another anonymous source revealed. "He had a McDonald's installed in the White House, and he got one of those stair-riders that people in wheel chairs have in their houses. We told him we could just put in elevators, but he said the stair-riders were a lot cooler."

Although some might call a plan to force a Presidential candidate to have a heart attack ridiculous, a recent poll revealed that "having a heart attack" was one of the top criteria mentioned by Americans important to them in a candidate, right between "having a neat car" and "looking interesting".

"I think Bush definitely should think about having a heart attack," said one man. "Because as it stands right now, my vote's going to Clinton."

"Sure, Cheney had some heart attacks, but I always get the feeling that that guy would kill me if he had the chance," another man said. "What they need to do is make Bush have one, then have him lay in bed in front of a banner that says 'Mission Accomplished' but actually have him still be really sick, and then he could struggle heroically to get better for a while and then eventually come out victorious."

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: