Dean To Head DNC, Begin Transformation Into Pussy
With all of his competition dropping out of the race due to their already-pussified conditions, former Governor and Presidential candidate Howard Dean is virtually assured the position of chairman of the Democratic National Committee this Saturday, officially kicking off his metamorphosis into what will eventually be a weak, middling, drastically compromised version of his former self.
Appearing today at a Washington D.C. restaurant hotspot, a location that will look on him with increasing disdain as his pussification occurs over the coming years, Dean bravely pledged to "lead the Democratic Party back to power gradually, as I slowly yet inevitably begin conforming into a centrist man with no real values, thoughts, or beliefs -- the kind that is required for the public to elect a Democrat."
"I'll start out fiery and uncompromising, and I realize that a lot of those red-staters are going to hate what I've got to say at first," he admitted. "But eventually, I'll bow to internal pressure from the party, and I'll start with a small concession -- I don't know, maybe tossing in a 'ya'll' into a speech or something -- and end with a glorious duck hunt in the middle of Alabama with five camera crews following me around as I fondly reminisce about growing up on ol' Grampa's farm, where I learned the meaning of hard work through harvesting corn and putting myself through five colleges."
Dean also told the crowd that Democrats "never have to be afraid to say what we believe".
"And by 'believe'," he shouted enthusiastically, "I mean 'know to be acceptable in most of the 50 states according to careful poll tracking'!"
Even bolder, Dean predicted that "in 2008, there will be a Democrat walking down Pennsylvania Avenue to the other end."
"You may think I'm crazy," he said, "but I tell you this: 2008 will bring us a Joe Lieberman strolling down that road, proclaiming loudly and proudly that he's a Democrat, gosh darn it!"
Senator John Kerry is personally contributing $1 million to the DNC in support of Pussy Dean.
"Howard Dean is a good man, but he has a long, long way to go before he can even think about running the party the way it ought to be," Kerry warned. "All those ideas, loud words...goodness! That's no way for anyone to talk!"
Some Republicans have joked that they welcome Dean to the position, believing that he will not pussify. Many, however, are secretly worried that his pussy potential is high.
"He talks big now, but let's see him after a few fallouts over not saying he loves America enough, or driving a car with fancy shiny wheels that makes people think he's better than them," worried one Republican senator. "That could bring him down a few pegs, and before you know it the Democratic Party is back to where it was in 2004: not quite defeating the Republican candidate and making us a little nervous."
The senator also admitted to knowing of a Republican "back-up" plan, should Dean get too pussified for comfort: poke him with a stick until, enraged, he issues an injured howl as he did after the 2004 Iowa primary, which ultimately proved to Americans around the country that he was a dangerous fool who did not know anything.
When told of the plan, however, Dean just chuckled.
"Let them try it," he said, grinning. "By then I'll be so much of a pussy, I'll grimace a little, and maybe even ask for another one while I happily encourage the rest of my party to sign 'Patriot Act IV'."