Leaked Stories Of Stupid American Kids 'Encouraging To Enemies,' Says President
President Bush suggested today that new legislation should be presented to Congress to help put a stop to education insiders leaking information about the sorry abilities of America's school children before receiving government approval.
Coming in response to a report from Roper Public Affairs, which found that eight out of 10 American students couldn't locate Turkey, Iraq or the Pacific Ocean on a map, Bush said that the protection of such sensitive and potentially embarrassing information was essential to maintain security and national pride.
"It is irresponsible when disgruntled education officials feel that they have the right to leak to the press incriminating and humiliating facts and studies of the state of our nation's schools," said the vituperative President. "There is no reason to make public that half of America's school children can't find New York State on a map, except to encourage our enemies like Japan, China and Germany to step up their efforts to usurp the United States as the world's leading producer of good brains."
"Leaking things," he said with disgust, "is one of the most morally reprehensible things a person could possibly do."
The Administration has defined the attempts of other nations to intellectually surpass the United States as attacks on what the nation holds dear: being the best and brightest country in the world, even if, on paper, it is not.
Bush said that all statistics and data regarding the performance of American school children should remain classified and indefinitely unavailable to the press until education systems recover and can map the progress made by showing future generations how dumb kids were in 2006.
Republicans called the leaks to the press "agenda-driven politicking", and even some Democrats spoke up in defense of restricting what information about national academic performance is made public.
"America has the greatest educational system in the world," said Senator Barbara Boxer (D, CA), "and we cannot let our enemies get it into their heads that American kids are fat, dumb, lazy and too incompetent to do anything right outside of running an efficient post pattern on [Playstation 2's] 'Madden NFL 2006'. That would be outright misleading and detrimental to our future, which ultimately rests in the hands of our youths."
Boxer stressed the important of self-esteem and pondered how the students of this nation could ever hope to keep America standing tall if they are self-conscious about not knowing where Mexico is in relation to Texas.
"We must guard what information about our sub-par school children gets out to competing nations, lest they find out that we're all a bunch of stupid heads and start calling us mean names."
Not everyone is complacent with the results, however; Senator Hilary Clinton called for immediate action to rectify the sorry state of education.
"Although Barbara Boxer has the wrong idea, she has acknowledged what's wrong with our education system: Playstations," Clinton said. "We don't need to fix anything -- just get rid of those terrible machines."
Clinton also managed to get a dig in at "No Child Left Behind" before she was due back in her ice chamber.
The Bush Administration maintains that well-researched criticism of the American school system compromises national security, and only encourages nations to step up efforts to defeat us not only with bombs but with higher reading and comprehension skills.
"The best defense of a nation is its educational system, and if it isn't working, then at least the illusion that everything is fine is good plan to fall back on," explained Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. "It's not so important that American school children have a broad world-view, but that they remain satisfied with an endless supply of Playstations, iPods, knickknacks and cell phones so that they will all grow up to be responsible Republicans and impulse-buyers. Everything else is bookworm nerdiness."
Most American school children polled said that they were not worried about their dismal geography skills. Many said that remaining ignorant of geography is an inalienable right guaranteed in the Declaration of Independence, the Bill of Rights and the First Amendment, or at least one of those.