'Deep Throat' Revelation Disappoints, Offends Americans
Deep Throat, the anonymous informant who eventually caused Nixon to resign amidst the Watergate scandal and the lesser-known Waterslide scandal, which would've diverted key Democratic staff away from their government duties by keeping them amused at various water parks, revealed his identity Tuesday to Vanity Fair and The Washington Post.
"I am Deep Throat," admitted a 66 year-old homeless man who gave his name as Rufus Manson Einstein III, Esquire. "It's the only way I could make myself levitate and gain my true powers of the Lord Christ Jesus."
Einstein was later removed after his admission was found to be an elaborate hoax, but fortunately, the real Deep Throat -- 91 year-old former FBI official W. Mark Felt -- admitted his identity just minutes later.
"Yes, it's true," said Felt, who was required to stick several long objects down his throat to confirm his identity. "I needed to do something to recognize my 91st year on Earth, and it was either confess this or go skydiving."
When asked why he waited so long to confirm what a few researchers already confirmed alongside five other choices, Felt said he "felt" he needed to wait in the interests of his own safety.
"I knew I needed to at least wait until Nixon was dead -- that bastard would've bashed my skull in with a whiskey bottle right quick," he said. "Even now, I'm not sure I'm completely safe from his ghost, but I suppose that's what those Ghostbuster fellows are there for."
Felt was then informed that Ghostbusters do not actually exist, which caused him to tremble and look fearfully around, presumably for Nixon's vengeful spirit.
"So, you heard me right, didn't you?" he asked loudly, still glancing around. "I said that I admit I'm Shreep Float."
Whatever he is admitting, however, Felt's identity was categorized as a "disappointment" by many Americans.
"Mark Felt? I don't even know that guy," scoffed one Florida man. "Someone as famous as Deep Throat should've been a more high-profile person, like Bob Woodward or President Bush."
"I heard that Deep Throat is buried in Giants Stadium, but if you say his name three times in front of a mirror you can bring his vengeful spirit back," whispered one Iowa woman. "Is...is that true?"
Many were also offended by various aspects of Felt's persona, including his "pornographic" code name, "traitorous nature", and "adoption of the imagery of a bat -- a known Satanic animal -- in his costume."
"I just can't believe that someone would go against our very own government like that," said the aforementioned Florida man in disgust. "This man is as morally bankrupt as President Bill Clinton."
"What I don't understand is why the newspapers felt as if any of Nixon's dealings were their business in the first place," said a New Jerseyian, shaking his head. "I want to read about the weather -- and maybe news about our troops -- when I open my paper, not some damn porno informant trying to bring down the government."
Fortunately, President Bush has decided to graciously grant Felt a pardon for any wrongdoing he may have engaged in.
"We all know that what this man did was wrong, but he's very old, and adorable," said the President. "And where I come from, we have a saying about the elderly: 'Listen to what the old say, because someday soon they'll be dead.'"