Marines On Committing War Atrocities: 'War Is Hell, Seriously'

Marine Commandant General Mike Hagee released a statement yesterday regarding the alleged atrocities committed by Marines upon Iraqi civilians in the city of Haditha, explaining that the cause for the unnecessary deaths was due to the fact that "'war is hell."

The statement comes after the revelation that Marines most likely killed 24 Iraqi civilians last November for questionable reasons, including one Iraqi saying "Marines, Shmarines" and two more "drawing frowny faces in the sand obviously meant to intimidate U.S. forces".

"We regret seeing these mostly-innocent people being killed by our own troops, but the fact of the matter is that war is hell, and that's just something we'll have to live with until the war ends and peace reigns," said Hagee as he embellished on his announcement. "We want the Iraqi people to know that when a Marine shoots your son or daughter in the face for smiling at him in a questionable manner, it's not because the United States doesn't like Iraqis or that our mostly-Christian nation is prejudiced against Muslims, but it's just that war is a world of shit."

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld corroborated Hagee's comments by saying to the victims of atrocities and their families: "Sorry." He later rolled his eyes.

The Marines, who have been rotated stateside since completing their tours, have stated that there was never any malicious intent within the corps as a whole, but that a few loose cannons are bound to flip their lids, and that this kind of thing has got to be expected, given the hellacious nature of war.

"I was in Iraq for over a year, and all I did while I was there was shoot hostile Iraqi forces when I wasn't giving toothpaste and lollipops to the children," said First Lieutenant Mark Forcee while on leave at his home in Platteville, WI. "Maybe there are some renegade Marines out there killing the innocent, but they're in the minority and are nothing to worry about unless you're part of the insurgency, or if you happen to be minding your own business at the wrong time and place."

Forcee suggested that Iraqis should have known the consequences of getting into war in the first place before putting themselves in a position to be violated. Understanding that some collateral damage would have resulted from a US-led regime change, he suggested, "they [the Iraqi people] should have stood up to Saddam on their own and made a few assassination attempts or something if they wanted to avoid the occasional mass-execution, random imprisonments or secret trials."

Americans were generally agreeable to his explanation of the alleged war crimes. Sympathetic to the dangers that Marines face in the form of suicide bombers, roadside bombs, and other hazards, most said that the murder of innocent women and children was 'okay' provided Marines, "just don't lead 'em so much."

"When you consider all the shit Marines face on a daily basis, I think it's pretty acceptable that this sort of thing happens once in a while," stressed one man.

"I was actually prepared to give them more leeway than this," confessed another. "I was expecting to hear that the incident was like, 250 Iraqi kids killed. This isn't nearly as bad as that."

"Ain't war hell?" he added, shaking his head. "Our poor troops."

While Iraqi civilians remain curiously quiescent over the supposed acts of atrocity, some have conceded that the death of their friends and family members is a natural by-product of the three year-old war.

"My first reaction was to make a blood oath to the destruction of America and all that it stands for when Marines frivolously killed my sons for no apparent reason," said Ahmed Zaranj, whose children were mowed down by Marine gunfire in a search for weapons of mass destruction supposedly hid in their pantry. "Then I thought more about it, and just realized that these poor soldiers were under duress and didn't mean it as a personal attack. War is ugly, and sometimes the only way to learn that lesson is to see it up close and personal. I'm quite grateful for such an important life-lesson so close to my heart."

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