Democrats Surprised To Find Testicles On Selves
Shocking Republicans and fellow Democrats alike, many Democratic Senators discovered today that they are in possession of testicles, the male reproductive body part long-thought to be missing from most Democratic government officials.
The testicular discovery occurred in what began as a normal Senate session today, when Minority Leader Harry Reid showed up after sobbing quietly to himself in his car for a few minutes, just as he usually does.
"But as I entered the building, a loose newspaper blew up into my face, bringing me eye to eye with Scooter Libby," he said. "As I looked at him, I felt a strange sensation in my nether regions. I thought about crying some more because I was being sinful, and then I realized, 'Damnit, that's not the way this is supposed to work!'"
What followed can only be medically described as the Latin term "testiculus rediscoverous", with Reid and other Democrats forcing the Senate into a closed session to force Republicans to agree to speed up the assessment of pre-war intelligence, and make sure the war in Iraq really is as stupid as it seems.
"What I saw was years of pent-up sperm and male hormones coursing through Harry Reid's body, finally set free from his shriveled, atrophied testes," said a doctor who happened to be present at the session for some reason. "He began smashing desks and walls with his penis, howling furiously and thrusting his hips at an alarming rate."
"YOU FUCKING FUCK COCKS," Reid reportedly screamed, kicking the asses of over seven bewildered Republican senators simultaneously. "STOP FUCKING DOING SHIT AND LISTEN TO WHAT I AM SAYING."
The pulsating testicles awakened the genitalia of other Democrats as well, including the Minority Leader of the House Nancy Pelosi, who discovered that she is a man.
"Harry's right," she snarled, tearing her now-useless breasts off and suffocating Rick Santorum (R-PA) with them, who was hospitalized for severe embarrassment and concern that God now hated him. "This shit has gone on far enough."
The move shocked and frightened Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, who began blubbering and crying almost immediately.
"I can't trust Harry Reid ever again," he cried, snot pouring profusely from his nose. "Oh Harry, I thought we was friends."
Medical experts and political analysts, brought together by a strange twist of fate and testicles, agree that what happened to Reid and other Democrats is the result of feeling slighted by many recent Republican moves, including the latest nomination of known conservative Samuel Alito, a proponent of "de-bortions" -- a process requiring any women who has had an abortion to become pregnant and have her "lost child" -- to the Supreme Court.
"As Popeye [the sailor man] once said, 'I can't stands no more,'" said Jim Clholer, the most respected political analyst in the country. "Harry Reid is now that Popeye, only instead of being powered by cans of delicious spinach, he is fueled by his newly-functioning testicles."
Reid's testicular outburst does not appear to be in vain; after getting a whiff of his manly sent and witnessing him through a girlishly screaming Bill Frist through a wall, the Senate Intelligence Committee agreed to continue an investigation into prewar intelligence claims made by the Republicans.
"Who gives a shit? Nobody got a blowjob," muttered one such Republican in anger.
But Reid may not be done giving Republicans headaches -- he says he is considering using his new testicular fortitude to filibuster the nomination of Judge Alito.
"But...hopefully they won't take away my right to filibuster," he said, a crease of worry showing in his forehead and his pants shrinking a bit in the crotch area. "Oh, jeez. Oh, dear."