Embattled DeLay Blasts 'Liberal' Texas
Tom DeLay, the Senate Majority Leader and constant victim of a ceaseless stream of liberal attacks, responded to his conspiracy charge indictment with anger, charging that the liberal state of Texas is trying to sully his good name.
"I'm sad to say that ever since it lost George W. Bush as its governor, Texas has grown into an impoverished, poorly-educated state," said DeLay. "These ruthless liberal attacks just go to show what happens when you take away a man of morality and let anarchy rule."
DeLay, who once stated "It's never been proven that air toxics are hazardous to people" -- a sentence now regarded as a precursor to President Bush's era -- is suspected of "steering corporate donations to Republican candidates for the Texas legislature in 2002" according to CNN.com, as well as "looking too darned handsome" according to Fox News. But DeLay says that along with Texas, the Democratic district attorney Ronnie Earle is "hopelessly partisan".
"Mr. Earle may think that just because 12 of the 15 public corruption cases he prosecuted involved Democrats, he can get away with looking fair," DeLay seethed, furiously searching for a quote in the Bible condemning people named Ronnie. "But I know his tricks. He can't fool me. I saw him in my sink last night."
DeLay, whose ethics are normally very solid except for when they are being called into question, has nevertheless commanded an NRA attack on Mr. Earle in retribution.
"I have an indictment for you, Earle," he said, smiling quickly and causing several pounds of pancake makeup to fall from his face. "It's three counts of you're being shot with rifles."
Whether or not Earle is eventually shot, however, does not change the fact that DeLay stepped down as Majority Leader, leaving Majority Whip Roy Blunt of Missouri as the group's temporary leader. But some believe that another ethics controversy involving Blunt is not far off.
"'Roy Blunt'? Who's next, Sam Doobie?" rhetorically asked House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. "This man is clearly some kind of shady character who cannot be trusted, because he's a Republican. I like his name, though. Him and Sam Doobie sound like they're going to be hilarious."
But Pelosi also said the Republican party as of late has been "plagued by a culture of corruption". With, as Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean said, "Senate Republican leader [Bill] Frist facing SEC and Department of Justice investigations and White House Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove under investigation", do Republicans have a legitimate problem with corruption? According to Pelosi, yes.
"I have to say that I agree with myself," she said. "Democrats, or 'the good ones' as they are often called, are pretty much corruption free and always have been, while Republicans use corruption to live and fuel their demonic offspring, which they produce via asexual reproduction through budding."
Some say that Democrats have an unfair advantage when it comes to corruption, because since there are only four actual Democrats in existence, the odds of one of them being corrupt are slim when compared to the millions of Republicans. But the perception of a Republican party in somewhat of a turmoil remains, especially given President Bush's recent approval ratings.
"We're a party under fire, constantly being persecuted," said a member of Focus On The Family, who did not want to be identified for fear of being wrapped in a burning American flag by liberal atheists. "I feel bad for Tom DeLay -- it's very hard being a Christian Republican these days."
Still, many believe that DeLay will escape the ordeal without fines and jail time, both possibilities if he is found guilty.
"Democrats are just jealous of how awesome Tom DeLay is," said New York Rep. Tom Reynolds, chairman of the National Republican Congressional Committee. "They like, want to be him, but they can't, so they're trying to put him in jail."
Indeed, the Texas legal system is often used as a tool for people who just want to make others look bad, as evidenced by the recent case of 11 year-old Jimmy Kliebach being indicted, at the urging of one of his former friends, for "being dumb and not playing right." The case was eventually thrown out, however, as many expect DeLay's case to be.
"Once people see how much Tom loves his God and his country, they'll have to let him go," said the new House Majority Whip Sam Doobie. "Plus, I bet lots of people will feel bad for him."