Ex-FEMA Director Brown Blinks, Speaks All By Himself

Former Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) director Michael Brown shocked people around the world today when, appearing before a congressional committee assembled to find out exactly how stupid he and FEMA are, he appeared to blink and form halfway cognizant sentences on his own, without the aid of his trainers or machines.

"Me not sorry," Brown said slowly, pausing to emphasize each letter and getting stuck for over 13 minutes on the word "not". "ME EAT BRAIN, ME SALAD."

But what Brown said -- which was apparently an effort to draw attention away from the fact that he himself admitted earlier (through a series of dung drawings) that he "didn't know shit" about the hurricane situation -- did not matter; the "real news", say scientists, is that he spoke at all.

"Michael Brown is the closest thing we have today to a missing link -- a step above an ape, but well below even the most retarded of men in terms of intelligence and intellectual abilities," said Dr. Bernard Sternoff, a prominent evolutionary biologist, excitedly. "To hear him speak and use his eyelids to re-moisturize his own eyes without anyone helping him just brings us one step closer to confirming that theory."

For many present at the committee, the spectacle was perhaps less scientific, but still no less impressive.

"I just had no idea that thing could even talk on its own," said Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. "They dragged it in there on its leash, and I thought we were all just going to kind of laugh at it for three hours. But then it started saying actual words, and I was just very impressed. It was a very good demonstration, and Michael and his trainers should definitely be eligible for the prize money at the end of the show."

"He was so cute!" gushed Rep. Gene Taylor of Mississippi. "He moved his little lips and sputtered and stammered, and he was trying so hard!"

Intelligent design proponents, however, are insulted by the scientific community's reaction to Brown's testimony, saying it does not prove evolution the way a nice imagination and citing Bible passages proves intelligent design.

"Frankly, I don't see what is so stupid about Michael Brown, anyway," said Dr. Sam Wich, a prominent intelligent design scholar. "I feel as if we're on the same level intellectually."

"If Michael Brown is so stupid, then how could he have known to allow God's glorious hurricane to destroy a city of sin and jazz?" said some other intelligent design guy. "It seems to me that Michael Brown is actually much smarter than most of us."

The man then launched into a touching rendition of 'N Sync's "God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On You", replacing "you" with "Michael Brown."

FEMA and some government officials also defended Brown.

"I think Brown is a fine fellow, and that's why he's still being paid by FEMA as a consultant to figure out what went wrong in New Orleans," said Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff, looking frightening. "I expect several finger paintings on the matter within a few months."

Scientists, however, are just hoping Brown will speak again sometime soon.

"There is an inexplicable retarded magic to everything that man says," said Dr. Sternoff, a faraway look in his eyes. "It's as if President Bush had a railroad spike driven through his brain."

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: