Limbaugh Viagra Evidence Of Coulter Impregnation, Say Analysts
Conservative talk show host and governmental experiment in the field of sentient mutant feces Rush Limbaugh was detained at an airport today for possessing Viagra not prescribed to him, a condition compounded by the fact that he was previously accused of illegally obtaining painkillers, and that he does not actually have a penis.
But although the incident will likely not result in any legal trouble for Limbaugh, some say it does support the theory that Limbaugh is attempting to -- and may have succeeded in -- impregnating shrewd businesswoman Ann Coulter.
"I cannot possibly think of anyone else on Earth who would have the womb to support Mr. Limbaugh's genes," said one analyst. "Only Mrs. Coulter's uterine walls are thick enough to contain the immense amounts of radiation caused by paranoia and hatred."
More compelling is one doctor's testimony that he has actually presided over pregnancy sessions with the couple.
"I was there while we assisted them in copulation, which was necessary due to the advanced state of penile atrophy in Mr. Limbaugh," said Dr. X. Orcist, treating physician at the Beelzebub Fertility Clinic in Los Angeles. "It looked like a hog mounting a broomstick."
The doctor also revealed that Coulter has played an instrumental role in Limbaugh's rehabilitation with respect to his addiction to pain killers.
"Listening to Ann gives him more of a psychedelic high than any drug he could take," he said. "Rush has said to me on multiple occasions, after talking with her, 'Wow! Talk about an altered state!'"
Although he acknowledges that it's "hard to believe" Coulter was willing to engage in the act, Dr. Orcist confirmed that it was completely complicit, although the virgin Coulter was a bit confused about the process.
"Do they always have to use a syringe to make a woman pregnant?" she reportedly was heard to wonder.
The child, a boy who the couple intends to name "Damien", is still a well-guarded secret, but reports indicate that President Bush is aware of the pregnancy and will be attending the birth.
"We already know this baby will be born at midnight, so it'll be a slow time at the White House," said Dr. Orcist. "And we have received word that the President is excited for the chance to wear his Skull and Bones robes."
Even the child's education and future have already apparently been mapped out. After graduating from Columbine High School in Colorado, Damien will attend the University of Texas at Austin, where he will learn riflery from the school tower.
Then, it will be off to Opus Dei Catholic University, where he will study foreign policy.
After getting a job as a FOX News reporter he will enter politics, where he will head a militarized version of the UN.
He will be known for his horsemanship and will be especially fond of light-colored steeds.
When asked about the possible presence of postpartum depression, Dr. Orcist appeared unconcerned.
"I actually did talk to Ann about that very thing," he said, "and she told me, 'I'm not like those whiney 9/11 widows. If the little bastard tries to kill me, I'll just throw a toaster in his bassinet.'"