Obama's Inauguration Speech To Ask For Self-Sacrifice; Americans Begin Eating Each Other
Reports of cannibalism are pouring in from cities around the United States, following the news that Barack Obama's speech at his inauguration today will focus on themes of optimism and personal sacrifice among the American people.
Bizarrely, the people being eaten have voluntarily offered themselves up as a tasty snack to their fellow countrymen, believing that they are fulfilling their duties as patriotic Americans.
"Obama's telling us all that we have to dig deep and give some personal sacrifice, and I can't think of any sacrifice more personal than a piece of my midsection," said Dan Jones of South Dakota, smiling broadly as a few of his neighbors applied spices to him. "I'm in so much debt that I wasn't really planning on sticking around too much longer anyway, if you catch my drift."
A spokesperson for the incoming Obama administration has stressed that the new President's speech contains no specific direction for people to consume one another.
"We know times are hard and people are hungry, but there are other things out there to eat," the spokesperson said. "Mr. Obama suggests some tasty arugula, for example."
Still, some see the reaction to Obama's speech as a uniquely American solution to recent economic woes.
"Americans are, by and large, large," said Dr. David Pontz, a researcher at the Smithsonian Institute. "By eating one another, we can cut free up some resources and satisfy our appetites at the same time, like a mini hot dog wrapped in a delicious croissant roll."
Pontz then began smacking his lips, and asked our reporter what flavor he was.
Cannibalism has long been considered unacceptable in modern industrialized societies, though one elderly man claims to have witnessed it before during the Great Depression.
"Sure, we ate each other all the time," Cleton Wells, 89, shouted. "It all started with one fella in
Charleston, South Carolina. He decided to offer himself up to some people who were down on their luck, and it just started catching on. They called him a Charleston Chew, and made a candy out of him that you can still buy, except now I think they use goat meat, or somethin'."
One member of the Obama team, however, sees the misguided cannibalism as an overall positive sign.
"If the worst people can come up with when they hear what Obama is saying is a few crazy stories about eating each other," he said, "then I think we're in good shape."