Global Warming Will Produce 'Good Vibrations, Funky Feelings' Says White House
In a response to a report issued today revealing that a White House official deliberately altered government climate reports to downplay the link between greenhouse gas emissions and global warming, adding sentences like "Farting is a far greater threat to global warming than any other 'greenhouse gas'", the White House issued a statement today on the "wonderful, funderful properties" of global warming.
"Some spoilsport scientists have tried to tell us that global warming is a bad thing," said Robert Hopkins, a spokesman for the White House Office of Science and Technology Policy. "But here's what they didn't tell you: 98 percent of scientists are squares who don't like to have any fun!"
Hopkins added that the remaining two percent of scientists are "activist scientists" and are dangerous to America.
In fact, contrary to what most scientists report, Hopkins claims that global warming will "improve life considerably" by offering a more "party-like atmosphere" to the citizens of Earth.
"Our scientists confirm that nobody wants to party in the cold or cool or warm weather, except for members of al Qaeda," Hopkins said. "The real parties happen in the heat, like in a hot, sweaty club, or on the planet Mercury, where aliens known as 'Partygnors' spend over 90% of their lives partying. If we keep global warming up, this will be Earth's future."
The White House does acknowledge possible side effects of global warming, such as the Earth's polar ice caps melting and raising ocean levels enough to submerge previously above-ground landmasses, like the majority of the coasts of the U.S. However, Hopkins explained that even these seemingly-negative occurrences are actually "partylicious".
"The last time I checked, going to the shore and having a party was a good thing!" he said, laughing and throwing a beach ball around. "So it stands to reason that if there was more ocean and shore to go around, we'd all be having an even better time right now."
Hopkins then announced the official theme song for global warming, "Good Vibrations" by superstars Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch, and set off several rounds of pyrotechnics as the band took the stage to play.
"That's right, teenagers -- even Smarty Mark loves global warming!" Hopkins said triumphantly. "What scientist presents his theory to you while rocking out?"
Although the press has given relatively little attention to the fact that the original global warming reports were intentionally altered -- most likely because they are planning a giant secret expose on the matter later -- many Americans were quick to support the White House's renewed interest in global warming.
"That'll teach those Kyoto bastards to ruin a good time," said one man with a vicious grin, adding several "smoke enhancers" to his car exhaust system. "It's about time we had a president who isn't afraid to get down in the White House."
"This news confirms what most reasonable people have all known all along: clouds of grey and black smoke that come out of machines help the environment," said another citizen.
The man added that he was referring to the party atmosphere, not the "gay real atmosphere".