Proposed Amendment To Make Apple Pie Official U.S. Dessert Fails In Senate
An amendment designed to by Congressional Republicans to "preserve the integrity of our desserts" by banning any pie that isn't apple failed to pass the Senate today, and in fact earned a vote to invoke cloture, which roughly means, "Let's stop talking about this shit."
Proponents of the bill, however, say they are far from being done fighting.
"We must stand foursquare in defense of motherhood and apple pie," intoned Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist. "We cannot tolerate these continued attacks on important national symbols. Besides, my state grows apples and not cherries."
"Just look at the lasciviousness of cherries," warned Sen. Lindsay Graham of South Carolina. "Everybody knows what 'cherry' means, and I don't want my children to grow up eating that."
Despite the defeat, President George Bush still stands in support of the measure, commenting that "We must support motherhood and apple pie with all the strength in our bodies. Why, I'm such a strong supporter of motherhood, even my political foes call me a mother. And apple pie -- who could oppose that?"
And Washington State apple growers are looking even farther into the future.
"First we get rid of the cherries, then the pears are next," gloated Alar C. Spray, head of the Washington Apple Federation. "There's just way too many fruits out there. We shouldn't be comparing apples to oranges, when everyone knows apples are better."
"Besides," Spray continued, "we donated so much money to Republican campaigns last election that I think we bought this amendment fair and square."
Sen. Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania was the sole Republican to speak against the amendment, a fact that Bill Frist blamed on his recent bout with cancer making him "touched".
"I consider pastry desserts to be a matter best left to the states," Specter said. "In the case of my home state, Pennsylvania, we intend to make scrapple our state dessert, because it is what is left over after everything edible has already been consumed."
Michigan cherry growers, too, were perplexed by the amendment.
"What the hell?" said Michigan Cherry Alliance director Hardin Pitts. "Cherries have been around since George Washington's boyhood. What are these lunatics trying to do?"
Sen. Ted Kennedy called the proposal "idiotic", but conceded that so long as appletinis and cherry schnapps weren't outlawed the outcome wouldn't affect him.
Under the original proposal, possession of a cherry pie would have been a felony punishable by 20 years in prison, a punishment still favored by some despite the bill's failure to pass.
"We've got to stop the Red Menace of these infernal cherries," Vice President Dick Cheney glowered. "Just look what they did to my daughter."