Rumsfeld, Distressed Over Spears Divorce, Resigns
Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld cited "a deep and profound sadness" over Britney Spears' recent surprise divorce from husband Kevin Federline as the chief reason for his resignation today.
The celebrity divorce, which was arguably the biggest news of the entire day on November 7th, affected Rumsfeld "so deeply and thoroughly" that he had no choice but to resign from his post, he said.
"I guess seeing those two beautiful people, so obviously in love, suddenly break apart forever after the public turned on them really affected this old fella's cold heart," he said, sniffling occasionally. "I couldn't possibly continue carrying out my duties as Defense Secretary knowing that somewhere out there, hundreds of people were dying everyday -- dying on the inside as they wondered what happened to the premiere couple of America."
Rumsfeld also expressed concern at the future of Federline, who is widely believed to actually be a plaster wall.
"K-Fed's obviously a great guy, but everyone knew that Britney was helping him along a little," Rumsfeld said to White House reporters. "Without her support for his career, will he still get the same attention? I know that I'm going to be awake at nights for a long time now, wondering if I'll see K-Fed the next day working at a 7-11 or something."
The next Secretary of Defense will be some guy, a choice the newly-empowered Democrats praised as "a good choice".
"I am pleased at the President's selection for this important job, and I know the man is obviously very qualified for duty," said likely new Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, who is a woman. "He didn't nominate Rumsfeld again, right?"
President Bush confirmed that he did not re-nominate Rumsfeld to the position, although he did admit that he had initially tried that.
"Hell, I didn't want to see him go," Bush said candidly. "But I've accepted now that he's gone, and that he's moved on to a position that's just as important: looking out for the best interests of America's most important celebrities."
Rumsfeld served as the Secretary of Defense under President Bush for six years, during which time he can count sneering and looking vaguely constipated as among his chief accomplishments. Some accuse him of being a major reason for Iraq being in the state that it currently is, although Rumsfeld says that in his defense, he had no plan going in to the war.
"We thought we'd be out in eight days at the most, and that was including four days to wait for our stove modifications to the tanks so that we could make Jiffy Pop while we fought," he said wistfully. "But that was before we knew all the crazy adventures that awaited us! Now, we have a lifetime of memories."
Recently, a growing number of individuals and groups had grown disillusioned with Rumsfeld, including Senator John McCain, who sought to stress to our reporter that he had been the maverick to first not like him.
"I disliked Rumsfeld when it wasn't even the cool thing to do," McCain pointed out. "In fact, now I'm starting to like him again. Oh, me and my renegade ways!"
It remains to be seen whether or not Rumsfeld's resignation will completely fix Iraq, but some people's expectations remain that it will.
"Don Rumsfeld is gone! So long, crook, hello peace!" said one jubilant young man. "Hopefully someone will shoot you in the face, and then you'll be in hell being raped!"