Kerry Complains About His Use Of 'Attack Politics'
Despite winning recent Nevada and D.C. caucuses, Senator John Kerry recently came under fire from himself for his use of what he called "attack politics" at a speech in Wisconsin, where the next round of primaries are set to be held on Tuesday.
"I am just sick and disgusted with the attack politics in this race that I've been using," Kerry said, simultaneously trying to frown at himself and look defensive. "We deserve a president who is not going to engage in this sort of mud slinging, which is exactly what I've been doing."
Kerry continued to outline his various usage of attack politics in the race, noting that although Bush has engaged in negative ads of his own, Kerry has had his "own fair share".
"We spent almost $5 million putting out smear ads against George W. Bush in 15 states before he did anything about it," Kerry said. "This is just not the kind of behavior people want to see, and I am just sick that I would decide to do such a thing."
The Democratic candidate then tried to defend himself against himself, to the surprise of the hundreds in attendance, who had not expected a presidential candidate debate at an event where only one candidate was present.
"Now see here, Mr. Kerry," Kerry said to himself. "The real issue here is George W. Bush, who has a presidency that's just dominated by special interests. I have plans to get an ad out about that in the near future."
"Come on, John!" he retorted in exasperation. "According to a report from the Washington Post, you received more money from lobbyists than any other Senator since 1989, which is when they started keeping track of such things. That's why President Bush ran an Internet ad against you on Friday!"
Kerry again tried to draw his fire away from himself by focusing it on President Bush.
"Special interests? That's George W. Bush right there," he said. "And don't even get me started on his negative, attack politics. People like George Bush and myself really need to get off of this mudslinging and bring some dignity back to the field."
Shockingly, the impromptu debate even turned violent for a few seconds, when an outraged Kerry punched himself in the face.
"You're an asshole, me!" he shouted in frustration, knocking himself against the podium and causing the crowd to gasp.
"The real asshole here is Bush!" he gasped, and threw himself backwards off the stage, where he remained until paramedics arrived.
Later, while in the hospital being treated for minor injuries, Kerry offered an apology to himself.
"I didn't mean for my attacks against myself to get so out of hand," he said, smiling. "It's just that whenever I use these attack politics and accuse myself of accepting special interest money, it really makes me angry."
Authorities are investigating the matter, and it is unclear at this point whether or not John Kerry will press charges against himself. But even if the charges are not pressed, some analysts wonder if the incident will hurt Kerry's standing in the race.
"Senator Kerry needs to learn to be a little more civil with himself," said one analyst. "This could have a serious impact amongst potential voters."
In an unofficial poll conducted by The Enduring Vision, however, many seemed unaware or uncaring of the incident.
"John Kerry? Who's that?" said one woman. "Bring back Wesley Clark! That man was a war hero."
"I support Kerry still," said one man. "I used to believe in Howard Dean until his voice cracked at the end of the Iowa caucuses. That screech let me know an important thing: Howard Dean doesn't know what he is doing, and could not be President."