Kerry Win Could Mean Increase In Terror Attacks, Rapes, Puppy Murders, Says Cheney
Vice President Dick Cheney drew criticism from many Democrats this past Tuesday, when he remarked at a fundraiser that electing John Kerry this November could raise unforeseen "dangers" that many may not be aware of.
"It's absolutely essential that eight weeks from today, on November second, we make the right choice, because if we make the wrong choice then the danger is that we'll get hit again and we'll be hit in a way that will be devastating from the standpoint of the United States," he said. "Planes hitting our beloved buildings, homes, and loved ones. Our women being raped and harassed. Small, adorable puppies being meanly and cruelly slaughtered. These things and more could -- and probably will -- happen if John Kerry gets into office."
Cheney also suggested that a combination of the events could occur, making for even more devastating times.
"A terrorist could fly a plane directly into a puppy, or a puppy could fly a plane into a woman right before she was raped," he suggested, drawing shocked gasps from the audience. "That's right, folks: all this and more is coming your way if John Kerry is elected."
Many Democrats were quick to jump on Cheney's comments; Vice Presidential candidate John Edwards called them "undignified" and "just plain mean".
"Jeez, what's wrong with that guy?" Edwards whined, his face twisting and his eyes brimming with tears. "I'm just here to play and he's always picking on me. I hate him! He's stupid and I hate him!"
Edwards then ran away to his swing set and began furiously constructing a club house that would bar girls and Dick Cheney from membership.
President Bush declined to comment on Cheney's remarks, although he did deny telling Cheney to say them.
"Wait...you think I told him what to say?" Bush said, laughing. "Hoo boy, are you mixed up."
As the election draws nearer, many industry experts say that this kind of mudslinging should be expected, especially since this election looks to be a close one once again.
"It's bound to come right down to a few key states on election night, so of course you're going to see the candidates out there now campaigned as hard as they possibly can," said John Knead, a political science expert at the University of Pennsylvania. "And what better way to do that than launch groundless, divisive attacks at your opponent?"
Democrats may be complaining now, but they have launched their share of negative statements and advertisements recently, as well.
"In the past four years, my dog has died, my mother got cancer, and I lost my job," says an ordinary-looking man in an advertisement currently running on television. "And all this time, I have never once received an apology -- in person or otherwise -- from President Bush. That's why this November, even though I'm a Republican, I'm voting for John Kerry. He can fix everything."
Following the man's statement, a slogan flashed on the screen reads, "John Kerry: He's not George W. Bush, which means he can fix everything."