Media Announces Resignation Of Michael Brown; Brown Finds Out 24 Hours Later
Former FEMA director Michael Brown was "stunned and surprised" to find that he had submitted his resignation to President Bush and the rest of the White House "sometime yesterday", but only found out about it minutes ago.
The perplexed Brown issued a news release about the incident, saying he was "proud to be apparently doing what I guess I needed to do".
"As I am told I told the President, me being in FEMA is just distracting to everyone," he said. "People would be trying to work on hurricane stuff, and I'd be like, 'Whatever, man. Let's play Boggle.' I love that game, so I'm told, but please keep in mind that I'm really just now finding out about all this stuff."
Brown also addressed the rumors that he is actually a 89 year-old man with advanced Alzheimer's disease and serious cognitive deficiencies, labeling the allegations as "creamed corn".
Contrary to his statements, however, reports indicate that Brown did not actually resign peacefully. Those present at the office, such as employees and emergency relief volunteers, recall how they avoided eye contact with the "sure-to-go-batshit" Michael Brown as he exited his office, briefcase in hand and "dour expression" on his face.
"He rushed out really fast with his eyes averted to the floor," recalled one worker, "but then he like, threw his hands into the air, told us he wasn't going to 'freak out' and then kept demanding 'Who's coming with me, huh?'"
"It was pretty awkward," said the worker. "We all sort of stood there."
Eventually ending the silence, phone coordinator Steve Katowski held a lighter up to the sprinkler system in the building, forcing an evacuation, but not until several minutes had passed, during which time Brown's eyes reportedly kept darting between the sprinklers and the water flying everywhere, attempting to make a connection.
"By God!" he shouted eventually, startling the few workers still inside. "It's raining in here!"
The stormy departure is also apparently not the first of Brown's disillusionment with FEMA, which he says he is told by his secretary began when the agency put him in charge of all of FEMA, and not just the ordering lunch for executives who he knew by name and what they needed before they even asked for it, unlike the citizens of New Orleans. He admits that he probably would never have taken the position if he thought that any natural disasters would actually happen, but that it seemed like such a remote possibility that he instead spent his time trying to give the agency a more "small-town, main-street America" feel.
"I think this business is all about relationships," said Brown. "It's time to set up an organization that deals with emergencies in a personal, fun and encouraging kind of way, and we'll do it together."
Brown's post-FEMA plans include setting up a Mom and Pop emergency response organization that will confront such disasters as brush fires near Sean Penn's house, blackouts during "Desperate Housewives" and the occasional Gremlin attack on small snow-covered towns. He expects this new method of disaster-response to revolutionize the industry, which has fallen under extreme criticism in the wake of Katrina's wrath.
Brown says that his company's calling card will be to provide all the refugees and displaced citizens with good Mexican food and a stiff margarita.
"It's the small things that make the difference in any business, and I'll bet nothing beats some lime, salt and Cuervo when one's house is washed away in a mudslide," stated the to-be disaster-management entrepreneur. "Who knows, though? I might not even bet that at all. I'm really just now realizing that I thought all of these things."
Meanwhile, President Bush put to rest allegations that he will pick someone more qualified for the job to succeed Brown, calling them "silly".