Al-Qaeda Flattered by Obama's Anti-Torture Stance
Al-Qaeda and other terrorist organizations recently expressed approval and even coyness over President Obama's dedication to abrogating torture from United States military policy, describing themselves as "quite flattered" by the news.
Although the stated goals of these organizations often call for the complete destruction of the United States and all her allies, that didn't stop them from taking the new President's words as "an early Valentine's Day gift".
"Treating would-be martyrs and assassins with basic human decency...well, Mr. Obama doesn't have to spell it out for us," said one al-Qaeda spokesperson with a bashful smile. "He has made us feel very special."
Other terrorist organizations seem to have warmed to the Obama presidency as well, having sent pre-emptive flowers and cards thanking him for not subjecting them to stress positions, the sensation of drowning, vicious dogs, and the Jonas Brothers.
"He has said, most excellently, that he will shutter Guantanamo Bay, and treat its prisoners more humanely," praised Abu Yahya al-Libi, a prominent terrorist leader. "Though he did not say where the Lions of God [enemy combatants] would be taken, we believe that he will be having them over for dinner at the White House."
Added al-Libi, "At the very least, if/when we hit Washington, we'll try to make sure he's out of town."
Many terrorists said that Obama's advances were all the more welcome after some prior relations with the United States.
"We're just coming off a really bad relationship," said a- Libi with tears in his eyes. "The guy -- who I'll just call George W. B. -- would verbally and physically abuse us. We can't even remember the last time he came home with a dozen roses, maybe a DVD or two, and asked us to just spend some cuddle time with him. Mr. Obama, on the other hand, will probably do this tomorrow."
Some leaders, however, were less quick to praise Obama's humanitarian pledge, suggesting that he is merely "teasing" the terrorist networks.
"Oh sure, you want to be our friend now, United States," mocked Afghani Al Qaeda leader Muhammad Basi Aman, "just like you were totally into us in the 80s, and then 20 years later stopped returning our phone calls. It's going to take more than a few anti-torture rules to win us back."
Several members of the Republican party are outraged at what they see as a loss of a valuable resource in the fight against global terrorism.
"If our troops do not have torture at their disposal, how else are we supposed to get valuable information from people?" demanded Texas senator John Cornyn. "Let me tell you something: when somebody has a growling dog threatening to tear their face off, their number one thought is this: 'I need to carefully and calmly tell these people the 100% truth.'"
An official al-Qaeda response to Cornyn's statements said that the organization "knows all too well what torture can do, because we're being tortured right now...tortured by John Cornyn being a total jerk."