Supreme Court Nominee Roberts In 1964: Girls Are 'Gross'
Supreme Court nominee John Roberts once claimed that girls were "gross" and even "stupid", causing some to worry that he could strike down many important issues regarding women if he is voted through to the high court.
The comments, made in 1964 when Roberts was nine, are just a small part of the estimated 362 million pages released by the White House today of recorded decisions and judgments Roberts has made throughout his life, which has been being recorded by White House officials ever since he was three, a standard practice performed on all American citizens in case they are ever nominated to be a Supreme Court justice.
Other potentially sensitive comments released today include Roberts believing clouds to be made out of marshmallows, Roberts attempting to gain more than his share of Lincoln Logs during playtime, and Roberts expressing his desire to become a guitarist in the Beatles.
"Did John Roberts assassinate John Lennon?" said Senate Democratic Leader Harry Reid of this last fact, raising an eyebrow. "I'm not saying he did or didn't, but it's certainly worth thinking about."
Roberts' comments on women are particularly troubling to those fearing his stance on abortions, many of whom say that a woman's right to choose is now the least of their worries.
"To have such a misogynist nominated for a high court position -- that's what's gross," said one female activist. "And if we're so stupid, then how do we have babies? By instinct?"
In fact, Roberts' records show numerous judgments on how women become pregnant, ranging from eating a seed that grows "in their bellies" to kissing them extremely hard.
Others say that the most damning evidence against Roberts isn't what's been released, but what hasn't -- the pages made available by the White House thus far may seem like a great number, but they aren't absolutely everything Roberts has ever written.
"We know for a fact that John Roberts is a poor speller, but the White House refuses to release his spelling tests because it 'can't find them,'" said Democratic Senator Joseph Biden heatedly. "Well what happens when old John rules for 'gay rites' and the only thing that comes out of it is some kind of homosexual grocery store?"
When asked, many homosexuals said that they would like their own separate grocery store, and believed it would help society see them as equals.
Subjecting Roberts' past to such intense scrutiny, says Biden, is the best way to determine all of the things that are wrong with him.
"If there's one thing we've learned as humans, it's that people tend to think the same things throughout their whole lives," he said. "For example, if you found something I wrote when I was five, it would say how much I'm against the war in Iraq."
Biden and others also believe that meticulously studying the old papers and decisions is the best way to ascertain the judgments Roberts will make before he actually makes them, thus enabling them to get angry ahead of time.
"It's sort of like a pre-emptive strike," he explained.
Roberts himself did not have a great deal to say on the matter, as he is unsurprisingly keeping a low profile in order to avoid any further controversy.
"Uh," he said.
"WHAT?" shouted abortion rights for gay people who like to not say the pledge in school activists when they heard this. "What is that supposed to mean?"