Senate Okays Grinding Up Hippies For Oil
In a decision that was deeply divided, the U.S. Senate today voted 51-49 to allow the "squashing, crushing, grinding, or otherwise mish-mashing" of environmentalist hippies in order to obtain oil, a decision that represents a large victory for the Bush administration's energy policy.
"It may not be the most popular thing to do, but darn it, look at gas prices -- we need oil now!" said Sen. Pete Domenici, R-New Mexico.
Domenici added that grinding up hippies, a process which will not begin for a least another 10 years assuming it even makes it through Congress, will not impact gas or oil prices at all in the present, and that he was "just saying."
Republicans also addressed criticism that the plan represents a lack of focus on fixing long-term energy problems, such as pouring money currently reserved for large hippie grinding machines into alternative fuel research and development.
"Listen, we'll be doing that, too -- can't we do two things at once?" asked Thad Cochran, R-Missouri. "Firefighters don't just concentrate on putting the fire out, you know. They put the fire out while subtly fueling it with lumps of coal and such, tricking it into thinking that they're friends, until bam! There's some more water!"
Best of all, say Republicans, the amount of oil to be gained from grinding up the hippies -- some estimates place the possibilities at over 20 million barrels per damn, dirty flag-burner -- amounts to less than a two months' supply, which is "practically like eight years, when you really think about it", according to Domenici.
"Just think: all of our energy problems and dependence on foreign oil, completely solved for 50 days," he said, a dreamy look in his eyes. "Our forefathers have dreamed of this moment. A new utopia will begin in these United States!"
The hippies, for their part, say they are happy to volunteer for the service, as long as it will protect valuable animals from oil drilling in their habitats.
"What's more important to me: fueling my car, or the well-being of a bird that I've never seen in my life and never will see?" asked one hippie, who was being stared at hungrily by nearby Republicans. "I think the answer is obvious."
"When I first heard that my greasy, unwashed skin actually contained highly valuable oil, I was skeptical," said another long-haired pinko sympathizer. "Then I realized that that probably explained how I could always ice skate on concrete...in the summertime...with no shoes on. Anyway, if it'll save a species of Arctic mosquito, I'd consider it worth it."
Democrats, who have openly criticized the move as being "mean", say they considered attempting to stop it before realizing that the best course of action would probably be to "let the whole mess just sort itself out", in the words of John Kerry, D-Massachusetts.
"Oh, sure, we voted against it, but that was a lost cause from the beginning, especially the way they wrapped it up as part of the budget so that they only needed a simple majority," Kerry said mellowly, rocking contentedly in his recliner, affectionately nick-named "Old Filibuster." "Besides, these things have a way of fixing themselves. The Republicans aren't so bad, you know."
Kerry then looked mildly surprised as a spring from his chair suddenly broke and came lose, lodging itself in his ass.
"Ah, jeez," he said in vague alarm. "That was our favorite chair."