Polls Show Iowa Caucus Tie Between Dean, Gephardt, Kerry, Big Bird

As the Tuesday voting date approaches for Iowa's caucuses to determine which Democratic Presidential candidate is favoured in that state, the latest Reuters/MSNBC/Zogby/Pepsi/Nabisco/Mrs. T poll shows a "statistical dead heat" between top candidates former Vermont governor Howard Dean, former Democratic House Leader Dick Gephardt, Senator John Kerry, and former children's show "Sesame Street" star Big Bird.

"This race has many candidates that are all viable, and consequently there really is no clear winner at this point," the poll results stated. "It should be a very close race all the way until Tuesday."

Complicating matters is that the candidates are mostly very similar, differing only in small, yet crucial ways, the poll said.

"Howard Dean represents the angry, reactionary side of America, while Kerry and Gephardt are more on the Washington side of things," the poll said. "Big Bird, being the only non-human in the campaign, represents the large, yellow, effeminate bird portion of the Iowa voters."

Despite the closeness of the race, however, some analysts speculate that in a sea of look-alikes, Big Bird could have what it takes to really stand out from the pack.

"Big Bird is a typical candidate on most of the issues -- the war, the economy -- but he also has the advantage of capturing that small-but-important minority of Iowa voters who are giant birds," said one analyst. "In this close race, that could really put him ahead."

Jim Lyndor, another analyst, also cited Big Bird's large existing fanbase from his television career as another plus for the candidate.

"Although many of his fans are not of voting age, their parents are," he said. "None of these other candidates have had television careers before, so I think that's an important point."

Another vestige from his television career expected to aide Big Bird is his wide roster of celebrity former co-stars signing on their endorsements to his campaign.

"Howard Dean does have the backing of high-profile celebrities like Charlie Sheen," Lyndor admitted, "but Big Bird has The Count, who will demonstrate to voters that Big Bird can in fact count various objects in quantities of at least ten, as well as appealing to vampires; and Elmo, whose highly publicized 'Tickle Me' ordeal will prove that Big Bird is sympathetic to those who have been sexually molested."

But Big Bird's apparent favor in some analyst's eyes is causing rival candidates to attack him relentlessly as Monday's vote approaches.

"I don't think that Mr. Bird grew up on a small, poor farm, like I did," Gephardt charged at a recent debate. "It was there that I learned all about America, and how growing rows of corn can represent rows of the economy that need to be harvested in the proper way."

"Playing together can be lots of fun!" countered Big Bird. "Let's all sing along together!"

Howard Dean, the traditional consensus-builder of the campaign, perceived this as an attack on his territory, and countered shortly thereafter.

"I'm the only candidate up here who had the guts to stand up to George W. Bush's war on Iraq, even when his popularity was at its peak," he snapped. "I'd be interested to hear what Mr. Bird has to say about that."

"My feathers are yellow," Big Bird explained. "Can everyone say 'yellow'? Let's try it together?"

Kerry's rebuttal was to ask Big Bird to please contribute money to his campaign, to which Big Bird promptly responded, "No, dickhead."

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: