Supreme Court Doesn't Not Ban Not Some Commandment Displays
In a 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court voted today to not sometimes not ban some displays of the Ten Commandments on government properties such as two Kentucky courthouses (which will have their displays removed, but will have the option to place pictures of the old displays in their places) and the Texas capitol (where the display will stay, but only if it can be removed for six months every five years).
Explaining the reason for the somewhat convoluted decision, Justice Stephen Breyer noted that "some displays are nice, while others are mean."
"The one in Texas, that's a nice one," he said. "But those Kentucky monuments...there's something about them. I could feel Christianity tugging at my genes as I walked towards them."
Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, one of three "Super Justices" that must have their three full names mentioned every time someone is referring to them, voted to ban all the monuments and said it's a matter of "too much Christianity".
"Some integration of church and state is fine," she said, "but some people might be driven over the top if they buy something with money that says 'In God We Trust' on top of it, then testify at a Kentucky courthouse and swear on the Bible, but then see the Ten Commandments monument on the way out. That could be the final straw."
On the other end of the spectrum, Justice Antonin Scalia was in favor of erecting additional monuments, some on top of the old ones and others on top of liberals, citing "the interest of the overwhelming majority of religious believers in being able to give God thanks and supplication as a people, and with respect to our national endeavors."
"Have you been saved yet?" he asked the other Justices.
But despite their mixed feelings and an awkward few moments after Justice Clarence Thomas suggested an orgy-porgy and then hastily added that he was just kidding, the Justices reached a verdict reflecting compromise, and expect it to be carried out immediately.
"What?" said an official at a Chester County, PA courthouse where a similar monument is displayed. "What am I supposed to do?"
"SEIZE HIM," commanded Justice Scalia, using his supersonic hearing to instruct local police forces to arrest the official for failing to comply.
"He shall be punished by way of orgy," added Justice Thomas ominously, adding, after receiving nasty looks from the other Justices, "What? I'm just saying, it's a possibility."
Reactions from both sides of the political spectrum to the decision were mixed.
"We're overjoyed that we get to keep our precious," said Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott. "Plus, it's common knowledge that our system of law is based on the Ten Commandments, such as 'Thou shalt have no other gods before me,' 'Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image,' 'Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain,' 'Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy,' 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' 'Thou shalt not commit adultery,' 'Thou shalt not covet any thing that is thy neighbor's,' and 'Thou shalt not be gay.'"
"It's about time our government stopped brainwashing everyone to be Christian," countered an activist outside one of the Kentucky courthouses where the monument will maybe be removed probably. "I'm just lucky that I'm so smart I can resist the brainwashing tactics, because of how smart I am. Way smarter than everyone else."