Ultra-Conservative Justice John Roberts: 'Tricked You, Bitches'
Newly-appointed Chief Justice John Roberts, who was sworn into office this past Thursday after little opposition in the Senate, revealed on his first day on the job that, contrary to what some saw as an demeanor of relative moderation, he is actually one of the most "conservative sons of bitches you've ever seen".
"You all have been played like violins, which is incidentally an instrument I oppose because it promotes homosexuality," he said during a lunch break press conference, laughing and chiseling away at a gigantic Ten Commandments monument for the front of the Supreme Court. "I am going to rip this court out of the ground."
Although some Democrats had criticized Roberts for not answering enough of their questions -- which included "How do you feel about abortion?" and "Aren't you the guy from 'I Dream Of Jeannie'?" -- others had believed him to be a more moderate conservative who has a history of making decisions favoring both sides of the political spectrum. Apparently, this is exactly what Roberts "wanted you fuckers to think".
"Ya'll took the bait," he said in an abruptly strong Southern accent. "This is now the United States Of John God Damned Roberts."
Roberts' first actions in office, which included writing plans to ban abortion, prohibit evolution from being even thought about, and act fiscally responsible, took everyone by surprise.
"He took us...by surprise," gasped Justice Stephen G. Breyer, who was in an intensive care unit after Roberts set his robe on fire. "He started talking about enacting all of these policies and rule changes...nobody could stop him."
And with a litany of hot-button issues ahead of the court, Roberts will have an opportunity to significantly alter the nation's landscape.
"This is a man who could decide whether or not our children in public schools will still be led in the Pledge of Allegiance!" shouted one man on the street.
Greeted by silence, he added, "It's important!"
In addition, since Roberts is the court's youngest member with over 600 years between him and the next-youngest Justice, Americans can expect decades of decisions with Roberts' involvement.
"Even if I want to retire, I plan on revoking the right to retire at some point in the future, unless you are part of a certain wealthy tax bracket," Roberts said. "Which I will be, but still! I'm never retiring!"
Some Democrats maintain hope that President Bush will balance Roberts' newly-revealed conservatism by nominating a liberal to serve as Sandra Day O'Connor's replacement.
"It could happen," said one such Democrat, grinning manically. "President Bush is a fair man! I mean, he's an unfair man! Wait, don't say that! DON'T SAY I SAID!"
But President Bush would not comment definitively on his next nomination, only saying that the process was on-going.
"Oh, I'm thinking about it," he said, humming the theme to the show "Transformers" and making various transformation configurations with his hands. "Believe me, I am thinking long and hard about that hurricane."