Venezuela's Existence 'Out Of Control'; Jesus Demands Human Blood Now, Says Religious Leader Pat Robertson

Pictured: a chilling future

In a controversial move that has divided the nation, Pat Robertson of TV's "The 700 Club" called yesterday for the assassination of Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez. Chavez is hated by many Americans because of his alleged involvement in the 1987 destruction of the band Whitesnake.

Robertson's comments, however, were clear: Venezuela, is "a dangerous enemy and a launching pad for communist infiltration and Muslim extremism all over the continent."

Venezuela at large, which is 98% Christian, was confused for a few minutes by his statement. The communists of the small nation, which make up the remaining 2% of the population, were also confused because communists are a very confused people.

"Little do most Americans know that our buildings were flown into on September 11th by Venezuelans trained by Hugo Chavez," said Robertson, the former leader of the Christian Coalition, in a later interview. "Venezuela is also Iraq."

He added that he only recommended the assassination after having spoken with God on the phone.

"I asked God how His day was," Robertson said. "And He told me a little this and a little that; you know how kids are. And then He just told me plain and simple to have someone kill that horrible Spanish gentleman."

With what he believed to be God's backing, Robertson went live on the air and proceeded to proclaim: "If [Chavez] thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think we really ought to go ahead and do it," adding, "If we don't assassinate him now, soon there will be a mushroom cloud of Islam, Communism and unrestricted immigration from Mexico where our beautiful cities once were.”

He pointed to several charts and graphs, which stood bright and shiny next to him. "This is our future," he said solemnly as he unveiled an odd map of America. "It's called the Muslim Communist States of Satanmerica, and everyone -- yes, everyone -- speaks only Spanish."

The response from Chavez's senior undersecretary, Juan Toca Burroti Slasa Rodriguez, was far from subdued.

"Listen me, essay," began the impeccably dressed Slasa Rodriguez. "Joo can't be sayin' this shit, mang. We gonna drive by the house and see who wanna piece of this office."

He rattled his gold chains, which were slightly visible under his suit.

Other officials, such as Vice President Vicente Rangel, demanded that the White House take action against Robertson.

"You should put references to God and Christianity on your currency, government property, public schools, and other federal places as a sarcastic attack on him," Rangel suggested excitedly. "I know it sounds preposterous, but it would really make him feel stupid when everyone laughed at all of it."

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