Reagan's Body Narrowly Survives Assassination Attempt
On Friday's state services for former President Ronald Reagan in Washington, D.C., a would-be assassin broke through the crowd and fired three rounds from a rifle into the former President's casket in an attempt to assassinate Reagan, who, it should be noted, was already deceased at the time of the incident.
Two of the bullets were stopped by the casket's hard wooden exterior, though one managed to penetrate through and strike Reagan in his left temple. Doctors quickly rushed him to the hospital, where the bullet was removed and Reagan was once again pronounced "dead, but physically able to become reanimated should the technology become available."
Onlookers who saw the shots being fired described the incident as "horrifying".
"My heart just leapt in my chest when I saw the bullets hitting the casket," said one man. "I thought to myself, 'If Ronald Reagan dies again, I just don't think I'll be able to take it.'"
"I couldn't believe my eyes!" exclaimed one news reporter who was at the event. "Right there, with three bullets, was the potential of my newspaper having to move everything not Reagan-related off the front page for another week. More, if his body was damaged, but not all the way, forcing him to live on a death-support-unit for several weeks."
"He was no [Lee Harvey] Oswald, but he was obviously a damn good shot," said another shaken onlooker. "If not for those tough casket walls, Reagan would've been as good as dead. Again."
Indeed, officials say that the primary deterrent of the bullets was Reagan's casket, which was equipped with anti-assassin paneling.
"We knew that old Gipper had his enemies in life, and so it was only natural to assume they'd continue to dislike him in death," said Stewart Johnson, who was involved in designing the casket. "Luckily, thanks to our casket, the President can continue to rest in peace, instead of having to go through the horror of being killed once again, or 'double killed' as we say in the casket-designing business."
The man who fired the shots was quickly tackled by members of the U.S. Secret Service and was taken into custody, where he identified himself as a 76 year-old man named Felix Frankfurter, explaining that he had left his duties of chores and "heavy LSD use" at his farm in order to stop Reagan's "destructive economic policies".
"That man has been increasing our national debt since 1980, and this funeral is just the latest example," Frankfurter told his interrogators. "How much do you think this whole damn production cost? One billion? Ten billion? Whatever it is, I'm sure this war-torn country can't afford it. Hell, we're already strapped for cash from battling the damned Soviets."
In addition, Frankfurter claimed that Reagan was likely not really dead, explaining that his passing was merely a trick to draw attention away from the Iran-contra scandal.
When told that the Iran-contra scandal had been over for almost 20 years and was generally forgotten by most Americans, Frankfurter bit the investigator and had to be restrained by having his pants pulled down and a hood put over his head and receiving electrical shocks to his genitals and being posed in homosexual positions with other prisoners.
But if Frankfurter's intentions were to illustrate Reagan's failures as a President to the American public, he failed; most people were undeterred in their fond remembrance of Reagan.
"Iran-contra, Apartheid, tripling the national debt, whatever," said one woman dismissively. "Reagan made us feel good about ourselves."
"He was kind of like LSD," she reflected, "in that he made us feel nice and hallucinate cool things, but in actuality, he was really bad for us."