Working-Class Americans Humiliate Bin Laden Into Surrendering
In a shocking turn of events yesterday, al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden, the suspected mastermind behind the attacks on the U.S. on September 11th, 2001, turned himself in to U.S. authorities without incident in Afghanistan.
Bin Laden had reportedly been suffering "severe emotional distress and humiliation" after learning that he had been openly and repeatedly mocked by working-class Americans for the past two and a half years.
"There's just no need to get personal," bin Laden said in a prepared statement read by his attorney yesterday. "This is a holy war rooted in a deep and lasting hatred of American values and interference in Middle Eastern affairs. I just don't see how wearing a T-shirt calling me a ‘goat fucker' solves anything."
According to sources, it was around 2:00 pm Friday when a senior al-Qaeda official delivered an intelligence report to Bin Laden that provided a detailed account of everyday America's humorous verbal and visual attack on the Saudi-born al-Qaeda leader.
The report, gathered by al-Qaeda operatives throughout the U.S. over the last two and a half years, is said to have contained an assortment of novelty items and printouts of e-mail attachments poking fun at bin Laden, who was previously unaware of the extent to which he was ridiculed by the average working-class American.
Bin Laden reported in his statement that he was most humiliated when he learned that a large number of American truck-owners had placed vinyl stickers on their vehicles that depict a young child urinating on the words "Bin Laden."
"The thought of automobiles driving around with pictures of a cartoon boy urinating on my name is terribly humiliating," the statement read. "I just can't imagine leading any kind of jihad knowing that these pictures are out there for anyone to see."
The "Calvin" stickers, as they have come to be known due to the urinating child's resemblance to the character from Bill Waterson's comic strip "Calvin and Hobbes," are reportedly popular among working-class Americans due to their affordability.
"Shit, yeah, I'll put down $3.95 for one of those stickers," said Indiana resident Ed Stoner. "It's not only hilarious, but it also sends the message to that goat fucker bin Laden that his acts of terrorism can't shake the foundation of American toilet humor. It just can't be done."
In addition to the harsh psychological effects of Americans' teasing, bin Laden's decision to surrender was reportedly also influenced by the recent doubling of the reward for tips leading to his capture, pushing the new prize up to a whopping $50 million.
"I just can't help but think of what would happen if that money fell into the wrong hands," bin Laden said in his statement. "I mean, if they already have T-shirts with my face in the middle of a big bulls-eye, just think what they could do with $50 million."
But while the main focus of blue-collar America's self-described "rude ‘n' crude" attack has been on bin Laden, the sticker and T-shirt companies that have fueled the humorous war show no signs of relenting now that the al-Qaeda leader has surrendered.
"Bin Laden was the big fish," said Randy Jones, spokesman for Patriot's Paradise, a large producer of patriotic U.S. novelties. "But that doesn't mean that there aren't still a bunch of little guppies swimming around out there. Now we've just got to figure out who's the next biggest threat to America and then just you watch how quickly the U.S. novelty industry can bring them to their knees."
Jones then added: "I just hope it's that guy from Korea. I can draw a hilarious caricature of that little bastard. What's his name again? You know, the little guy with the glasses. Man, that'd be good for business."