Young Nader Ruined Kerry's Eighth Birthday Party, Uncovered Tape Reveals
In recently-uncovered footage obtained from the camcorder of John Kerry's mother, a roughly eighteen year-old Ralph Nader is seen "completely ruining" the birthday party of young (and "adorable", according to reports from his aunts) Kerry, say sources within the Presidential candidate's camp.
The video, supplemented by the memories of those who attended, shows Nader arriving both late and uninvited; "Jimmy," a youngster who recalls attending the party, remembered that Nader "just barged in the door without even knocking and began to play with the pinata," even though Kerry and friends were still attempting to finish their game of "pin the tail on the elephant".
"He [Nader] didn't really have many friends," Jimmy recalled in an attempt to explain what an eighteen year-old would be doing at an eight year-old's birthday party. "What I mean is, he wasn't really affiliated with our friends or the two other groups of kids in the neighborhood."
Jimmy also remembered reading young Nader's birthday card, which indicted the patting-zoo industry for providing camels "unsafe to ride at any speed" and alerted a few party-goers to the dangers of camel-riding.
"He kept shouting at us that if they didn't kill us by getting into dangerous high-speed collisions, the camels would slowly suffocate us through their polluting excrement, which released noxious gases that destroyed the atmosphere," Jimmy said. "Of course, since we were all eight or so, no-one really understood or gave a damn."
Jimmy added, "I think one kid might have cried a little, but it was probably just because Ralph was shouting so loudly."
Nader reportedly also warned many of the party-goers of unsafe processing standards in the corn dogs, complained that there was "little difference" between Kerry's friends and the group of neighborhood children who had come over to oppose them in a game of King Of The Hill, and ate cake until he threw up, spewing all over Kerry's party and ruining his chances of having a good birthday.
"That Ralph Nader boy was just no good, and not just because he was much too old to be at a birthday party for younger, more well-adjusted children," said another attendee of the party. "He kept causing all sorts of trouble, not to mention he reeked of marijuana."
Nader was repeatedly asked to leave from the moment he arrived at Kerry's party, due to Kerry's parents wishing to avoid something like what happened at young Bertie Gore's party. Nader refused, however, and, reportedly in a sugar-rush-fueled rage, bit Kerry on the neck.
"Then he [Nader] said, 'Stop kicking that tree!' and got the hell out of there," Jimmy said. "What a weird guy."
Incidentally, reports indicate that young George W. Bush's birthday party, occurring almost simultaneously states away, was "far superior" to that of Kerry's.
"There were four clowns and rides on four-humped camels, which were way cooler than Kerry's single-humped camels," said "Johnny", a guest from Bush's party all those years ago. "Plus, he had awesome goodie bags that had stuff like petroleum-based makeup for girls and ownership of baseball teams for boys."
Johnny also said that Bush's party was superior not only due to the amount and quality of toys, but because boys from certain "uncool" neighborhoods and social groups were excluded from coming, especially "Brucie", a child well-known for liking to play house better than playing war.
"He was weird, and sometimes made me wonder whether I would rather play war or house," Johnny remembered. "I didn't like to think about that."