Bill Clinton Hospitalized For Erection Lasting More Than Sixteen Years

Not pictured: the massive erection that plagued Clinton for the past 16 years.

Former President Bill Clinton is recovering at his Chappaqua, N.Y., home Friday after undergoing a procedure to relieve an erection that he has had since 1994.

Clinton adviser Douglas Band said in a statement that the former President, 63, left Manhattan's New York Presbyterian Hospital in good health and "feeling like a new man."

"He looks forward in the days ahead to getting back to the work of trying not to have sex with everything," the statement said, "although this will obviously be a huge adjustment for the former president."

Nevertheless, Terry McAuliffe, the former Democratic National Committee chairman and a close friend of the Clintons, told CBS television that he expects Clinton will get back to work quickly, even if it's not quite with the same gusto as during the height of his condition.

"I have personally had sex with Bill [Clinton], and that erection was a sight to be seen," said McAuliffe. "Now that it's gone, I have to admit that I'm more than a little bit sad."

The erection, which began in early 1994 -- one year into Clinton's first term as president -- has had its fair share of limelight. In 1995, it attacked and ejaculated on one of Clinton's young interns, Monica Lewinski. The Lewinski scandal, or Sexualhealing-gate, as it became to be known, eventually led to impeachment proceedings against him. Years later, most Republicans admitted that they were simply jealous they could no longer maintain erections.

Clinton often spoke of his inability to control the erection, detailing his trials and tribulations in his 2004 autobiography My Penis. At a press conference from his home on Friday, he expressed relief that he is "free of the erection that has been controlling my mind for almost two decades," and that he can now "finally wear pants other than sweatpants."

"In many ways, it is a huge relief," said Clinton with a smile, with wife and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton at his side, "both for me, and for any hole-shaped object or person that walks past me."

Mrs. Clinton, who insisted she be called Dr. Secretary Clinton of State, Esq., also expressed relief at the outcome of the procedure.

"Finally," she said while cracking nuts in her palm, "I don't have to be on the receiving end of that thing. Our relationship is going to be a lot different from now on."

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