God Once Again Fails To Kill Dick Cheney
The creator and overseer of the Universe mounted another unsuccessful attempt to kill former Vice President Dick Cheney yesterday, who remains not only alive, but "resting comfortably" despite enduring his fifth heaven-sent heart attack.
"Oh my God," God is reported to have loudly said after hearing that Cheney still remains on this mortal coil. "This is getting ridiculous."
Religious scholars are unsure as to why God so desperately wants Cheney dead, though some, like Dr. Samuel Yurik of Harvard Divinity School, believe it may have something to do with the former Vice President's "inherently evil and terrible nature".
"We know that Mr. Cheney -- or 'Shub-Niggurath [the Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young]' as he is known in some ancient texts -- is not originally of this Earth, and delights in the torture and ruin of human beings," said Yurik. "We are still investigating how and why God would ever allow him to assume public office for eight years."
It's possible, says Yurik, that Cheney only ascended to his Vice Presidential role due to the Lord's intense "beer friendship" with former President George W. Bush.
"Bush referenced conversations with God many times throughout his presidency, and we now know that all of those conversations actually did happen," he explained. "Usually, they occurred once God had several Miller High Lifes [the champagne of beers] and chilled out a little."
After attaining public office, continued Yurik, Cheney greatly expanded both the power of the Vice Presidential position and the power of the demonic spirits within him, using over $500 billion of federal funds to create an evil heart made out of sulfur and orphans' tears.
Now, God is evidently having trouble stopping Cheney's heart, which means the evil being continues to have free reign to eat kittens using his black, oily tentacles, and claim that President Obama is making America less safe.
"Some people have asked me why God doesn't send a bolt of lightning or a disgruntled hunting partner to kill Mr. Cheney instead," said Yurik. "The answer, of course, is that God doesn't work in mysterious ways."
Meanwhile, current Vice President Joe Biden called Cheney and told him to "get better soon" -- a bizarre sentiment, considering that rival politicians routinely wish for each other's ill health, and even death.
Fox News has already laid claim to Cheney's first eight post-hospital interviews. Personality Glenn Beck has volunteered to be eviscerated and have his blood drunk by Cheney on live television, if it would come to that.