Obama, Clinton See Tuesday's Primary As Chance To Finally Leave Ohio
Despite being the birthplace of rock and roll, modern aviation, the hit movie Major League and Halle Berry, the sparring Democratic hopefuls Barack Obama and Hilary Clinton couldn't contain their anticipation at getting out of Ohio as soon as possible.
As Obama and Clinton canvassed the 17th state scrounging up every last vote, from Zanesville to Steubenville -- the latter of which Clinton described as only slightly less abysmal as her marriage bed -- both candidates have agreed that getting out of the place responsible for Jerry Springer, Toledo and rivers that catch fire is of the utmost importance.
"You know that I will fight for all of you from the White House," said Clinton to an audience in Cleveland. "I will move heaven and earth to get the job done, given the chance, because I know how strenuously all of Ohio's residents want to leave this God-forsaken place and move on to greener pastures, or anywhere else for that matter."
"I know I do," added the former First Lady.
Clinton promised to provide assistance packages and incentives for every Cleveland resident -- regardless of age, race, creed, education, or income level -- to move to a much better place.
"Like Chicago, for example," Clinton told an enthusiastic crowd of Ohioans, "or some of those FEMA trailer parks in Louisiana you're always hearing about."
Obama unveiled a more specific approach in a Sunday town hall in Sandusky. The candidate -- who, according to various polls, is behind Clinton by a slim margin -- informed the audience that part of his economic stimulus plan includes giving Toledo over to Michigan, thus ridding Ohio of one of the foulest urban blunders in the country.
"I personally can't wait to get out of here, and I'm sure many of you feel the same way. That being said, I will do everything I can to focus on the very few things Ohio has going for it," assured Obama. "Because of NAFTA, millions of Ohioans have been robbed of their jobs in the steel and auto industry and have nowhere to go. That is why Ohio, with the exception of LeBron James and Ohio State [University], will become part of one of the better-off adjacent states once I have ascended to the Presidency, with your support."
As both candidates checked their watches for the next flight out of Cleveland during a debate at Cleveland State University on Thursday, Clinton criticized Obama for having a plan that falls short of providing every resident with the chance to live in a place with a real nightlife.
"His plan leaves millions of people without the hope of ever living in a town that will finally win a major sports championship – ahem, 1997, ahem – and he has the audacity to talk about 'hope'," Clinton said, holding a handkerchief over her nose to filter out the faint stench that non-Ohio residents often detect while visiting the state.
Obama agreed that no one deserves to be from Ohio, and stressed that "something has to be done about this place," which he, as President, would regretfully have to return to at some unfortunate date.
"Ohio does truly represent the United States at large; i.e., it's screwed," he said. "And that, as much as I hate to admit it, is why something has to be done about this place, short of returning it to the indigenous people."
Clinton is scheduled to leave Ohio on Monday for rallies in Beaumont and Austin, TX. Obama will stay in Cincinnati, which his aides say is a plan to save him from having to come back again anytime soon.
"It's all about letting people see what you've got, and a man up to the task of being President has to be the sort to tough it out in places [like Cincinnati] where the shit-your-pants Skyline Chili is a culture touchstone," said Obama spokesperson Bill Burton.
As Tuesday approaches and the Democratic nomination hangs in the balance, Obama expressed gratitude towards the people of Ohio for their hospitality, but apologized in advance for "forgetting" to leave Ohio on the list of states to receive Federal funds for highway improvements, education and social programs.