Obama Pledges To End Iraq War By August, 2001
President Barack Obama declared last week that all U.S. combat forces would be withdrawn from Iraq by August, 2001, with subsequent cessation of all military activity in the region.
Speaking to the entire battalion at Marine Corps base Camp LeJeune, Obama explained in detail his intent to draw down American military forces by the time it's almost eight years ago.
"I feel like we don't hear much about Iraq anymore, which can only mean that it is time to begin the exit timetable. I swiftly and boldly declare that all combat troops will be safely out of Iraq by August, 2001."
The time paradox has led to significant confusion among both proponents of the Iraq War and antiwar activists about the effectiveness of the timetable. Senator John McCain (R-AZ), the former Republican presidential candidate, appeared angrily optimistic.
"As their representative, my first and utmost priority is the safety of the Iraqi people," said McCain, scowling. "And while I would rather surge every American over there for the next hundred years and essentially turn Iraq into America as per the original plan, I am also optimistic that there were no American troops in Iraq in 2001. So the President's plan is feasible."
Critics of Obama’s plan cite the significant period of time between now and August, 2001 as evidence that Obama is breaking his campaign promise to end the war quickly.
"During the campaign, Obama pledged to end the Iraq war in 16 months," said Representative Dennis Kucinich (Communist-OH) at a news conference, "but August 2001 is negative-90 months from now. That is absolutely unacceptable to me."
After receiving blank stares from members of the press, Kucinich added, "It's unacceptable to lots of other people who aren't me, too!" Loud gasps filled the room.
But even as Iraq fades from America's memory and rejoins the large, vaguely-defined land mass most citizens refer to as "Middle Yurop", Obama has stated that "difficult choices" need to be made about "the elephant in the room": the ancient region of Mesopotamia.
"The region between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers is in turmoil," said Obama to the Marines at Camp LeJeune. “A deposed dictator has been replaced by a perpetual military occupation, which has driven up oil prices around the globe and is bankrupting the American economy. We must send 50,000 troops to Mesopotamia by August, 2009 BCE."
Obama added that sending American troops to fight over 4,000 years in the past does not constitute an act of war. He also pledged $130 billion to fund the war, which he titled "Operation Akkadian Imperial Conquest of Ur-Nammu Freedom."
It is unknown how Obama plans to deal with the issue of former President Bush having already signed an agreement with the Mesopotamian government to be out of the country by 2008 BCE.