Republicans Rally Around Special Olympics
In an overwhelming showing of solidarity with special needs athletes, the GOP is emphasizing its support of the Special Olympics in light of President Obama's gaffe on Jay Leno's Late Show last week, when he compared his bowling skills to "Special Olympics athletes clinging to their wheelchairs and their imaginary elephants".
Many in the party, such as Senator John Boehner (R-OH), say they want to emphasize Republicans' current and past support of "some of our finest retarded citizens".
"We're proud to say that we've made a real effort in the past several years to welcome the intellectually feeble into our party's ranks," said Boehner at a press conference, in which he appeared next to a beaming man who kept trying to eat his own hand. "President Obama will regret his hateful remarks if George here decides he would like to run with Sarah Palin in the 2012 elections."
"I'm not afraid of pumpernickel!" George exclaimed.
Senator John Cornyn (R-TX), in a separate press conference, pointed out that he served as honorary chairman of the 2001 Special Olympics Games at the University of Texas A&M, and "did not vomit once, even in the face of melon-sized foreheads and one woman who drooled all over me."
"I also used to watch 'Life Goes On'," he added.
Many Republicans are also urging the Obama administration to show solidarity with the nation's imbeciles by putting more of them in his cabinet.
"I sincerely hope that President Obama has the courage to replace Treasury Secretary [Henry] Paulson with someone with severe cognitive impairment," said conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh. "If need be, I'd be happy to temporarily fill the position while the President looks."
The Obama administration says that beyond apologizing, there isn't much else the President can do to smooth things over.
"What he said was a mistake, but who hasn't had a little chuckle at the expense of the mentally feeble?" said Vice President Joe Biden, dodging members of the Obama administration as they attempted to get him back into the van. "I mean, we've all been there. There was this kid who used to stare at me on the train back in Camden. Creepy as hell. Had that whole droopy-eye thing going, you know what I mean?"
In response to the ongoing commotion, President Obama issued an additional apology to the Special Olympics in the New York Times, saying that he had regrets for, "being a little slow getting back to your request for a statement."
"Get it?" the statement added. "Hahahaha."
Delia Harnett, chairperson of the Special Olympics, said that she hopes some good will come out of the kerfuffle.
"I'm assuming that now people will have a much more mature attitude about our organization, and a better understanding of the athleticism and determination of our participants," she said. "Right?"